Threads of thought

Summer Workshops

2011-06-15T12:03:00.002+01:00

Click for details of my summer workshop programme.

Contact me on the email address or number included if you have any questions or want to come along.

The Book Part 3

2011-05-13T23:14:00.004+01:00

Story 3 is finally finished. The flood told in the legend of Gilgamesh. In Egyptian style illustrations.

And now on to the next. The giving of Law. Any good legends, myths or stories I'd love to hear them.

Sorry, I've been a bit busy

2011-05-12T20:28:00.000+01:00

Sorry I've not posted in a while.

Stuff to catch up on.

I'm off to uni in September. Not Glasgow, as they decided that on seeing my eportfolio I was decidedly below their standards.

Huddersfield offered me 2 places, the standard of my work was so high.

Leeds College of Art just didn't like anything about me and turned me down flat, they didn't even ASK to see any work. However, it is my understanding that they turned everyone down. So I'm less bothered by that.

And sorry Lincoln, buit after the 2 offers from Huddersfield and little commuting time, I had to go there. Plus FABULOUS Dahling! facilities.

My time at Hillsborough nears its end. 6 more weeks and its all done and dusted. I'm going to miss everyone, although a couple of them will be joining me at Barnsley Campus of Huddersfield Uni.

I recommend a visit there. You walk in the front doors and the place SMELLS like a real art school, turps, sawdust and sweat. Yummers!

Healthwise I'm still struggling with painful knees, sore back and panic attacks, but hey! I went shopping the other day and managed to do £50 worth of food shopping. Forgot the eggs and the milk but a small triumph I think.

Open Up was good, with a couple of wobbly moments, but lots of visitors and some sales. Plus new contacts and meeting other artists nearby. Oh and a small party at the end.

My project won't be finished for the final show, but as my tutor said, an altered book like that is a lifelong project. Gulp. This may be the final straw that breaks the back of my sanity.

I'm looking forward to having time to catch up with other projects, ideas that have been rattling around my small brain, playing with new techniques and maybe running a couple of workshops from my lovely, messy, cold and draughty studio. Leave a comment with your email address if you are interested in print, textile and collage workshops, or any combination of the three.

Enough catching up now. I'm off for another cuppa tea and possibly yesterday's leftover veggie paella.

365 Project Days 23 - 27

2011-03-10T14:18:00.005Z

365 Project Days 18 - 22

2011-03-08T13:45:00.008Z

Experimental Printing

2011-03-06T16:45:00.001Z

Collage with print on top. Also known as Chine colle. Something I've wanted to try for some time.

These are developing into more complex pieces with another layer of printing. Possibly another transparent layer of collage later, but I'll have a think about it. They are part of an edition of 15 for a voluntary group project for college across the HE students. Sorry the photos aren't really that good, it was late and I was exhausted after spending hours printing!

365 Project Days 12 - 17

2011-02-28T11:07:00.003Z

The Book, Chapter 3 Sneaky peek!

2011-02-23T14:29:00.003Z

First page finished. Next page is now underway.

Hope you like this style, I'm enjoying it a great deal.

365 project days 5 - 11

2011-02-16T22:30:00.004Z

This project is becoming strangely like a journal for me now, and I rather like that it is evolving into something other than a simple drawing project.

OMG I may actually have talent!

2011-02-14T13:13:00.002Z

I recently entered a print competitin and found out today that one of my prints has been selected for the exhibition.

This will be happening at the Oriel Wrexham, Wales from 25th March 2011, to 18th May 2011.

I am so happy I keep jumping up and down!

This is my first submission for a selected exhibition and I really didn't think I would be selected my first time.

Now I really need to calm down and get on with some more work.

The Book, Chapter 2 Completed

2011-02-10T13:13:00.005Z

At last, chapter 2 the fall from grace is finished.

The story is the Bushman legend of Kaang, and can be read here.

And now for chapter 3!

365 project

2011-02-08T22:29:00.003Z

I finally bit the bullet and started a 365 self portrait project. The hope is that it will encourage me to draw everyday, and in doing it in a diary I won't be daunted by the blank page syndrome and will be able to keep track of when I've done them if I stick to doing them on the correct day.

My first efforts are pretty dire, but will improve with practice. Hopefully. It's not easy drawing yourself in a mirror.

Holidays

2011-02-01T19:52:00.003Z

The house is quiet and empty, mum is next door supping strong tea with the next door neighbour and they are quoting the old swap the children dialogue that has been playing between them for 5 years.

I feel lost on my own, but at the same I enjoy the peace, the moments of freedom to do what I want, sit where I like and not be the cause of everyone's ill temper.

In my daze of quiet time pleasure I wander upstairs to the bathroom, and remember that they are hidden on the top shelf.

I have to climb onto the bath and the sink to reach them, they are kept on a high shelf to prevent 'accidents' happening - again. Why do they think I have so many accidents? Why do they think I stopped falling down the stairs once I discovered I could reach the medicine cabinet? Do they even think?

I have the cabinet door open now, and there they are, wrapped in wax paper and hidden behind some ancient Yardley perfume my mum was given for Christmas before I was born.

Sneaking back down stairs with them hidden in my shorts pocket, hoping that my mum is still next door, sharing tea and fantasies of a better life with the right children.

Outside I go, there is a place at the bottom of the patchy garden, past the disused dog kennel, and under the overgrown lilac trees. It is cool there, the sun is hot today and the ground is dusty dry, packed hard where happy children have played together, and where one unwanted child is penalised for her existence.

Under the lilac tree, filled with the sound of dozy bees and sharp chattering birds I open the wax paper packet and my breath is taken away by the beauty and purity of the edges on the blades. Clean, smooth and perfect, untouched by him and his pink face.

I take one out and run it along my fingers, edge first. Almost immediately a flush of the red stuff, dripping onto the hungry ground, swallowed incompletely by the dryness in the back yard.

I succeed in opening all of my fingers today, before mum catches me and wonders how I managed to have yet another accident. She threatens to tell him, but she won't. He'll find out later, will be offended by the signs of blood and won't look at me until they are healed, fully. They take an eternity to heal, I can keep a scab going for weeks. Its like being on holiday. I know it will end, but for now, I have peace.

Ouch

2011-01-31T11:13:00.003Z

Today began with the cat waking me at 2.30 am playing with motes of dust in my bedroom, skittering about the laminate flooring like a baby elephant. He then decided to pee in the bath and spent the next half hour sweeping in EVERY corner of the bathroom, my bedroom and the stairs.

At 4.30 after I had cleaned up any messes or presumed messes he had left I finally threw him - almost literally - out of the house.

My alarm clock goes off at 7 am. Long nights sleep then.

I finally scraped myself out of bed at 7.30, and started to get ready to drop the boy off at college and come to the studio. After throwing the cat out of the house again, off we go!

Halfway to college, I stop to let a bus pass me on a narrow stretch of the road and BANG! I am hit in the rear by a car skidding to a stop, using the rear of my lovely little van as a braking mechanism.

So today's early start, cracking on with the book and other things at the studio are now fully interrupted by telephone calls to insurance companies and garages.

We are both fine, just a bit annoyed, and wondering how much it will cost to repair the cracked rear body coloured bumper on my wonderful little Brian the box.

You Can't Change Your Mind Now

2011-01-24T21:24:00.002Z

I did. I really did it.

I applied to Glasgow School of Art.

Electronically.

The selection of images to include in my e-folio took 5 days. Some went in, came out, went back in and came back out. Some didn't even make the first cut, then helpful friends asked why I hadn't selected such and such a picture it's their FAVOURITE.

Some were in until the final selection. Then were mercilessly binned as if so much rubbish.

One has gone in and I think it may have been a mistake to include it. And no Michelle it ISN'T the print of you. That was never in question. It is stunning and so are you!

Sketchbook pages montaged together in photoshop, life drawings crammed into one image, theming collections of drawings and paintings to match the completed works.

After which I had to write a folio statement. 12 hours of writing, rewriting, erasing and opinion gathering to get that looking like I actually know what I'm talking about and I have an idea who these artists are. Yeah OK, bluff and bluster.

Apparently its not good to admit that you think you blagged it onto your foundation degree when trying to blag your way into a really important art school. Huh? Who'da thunk it?

So now I wait. To see if I can hear the laughter from here, or to be invited for an interview.

Wish me luck.

Applications, alterations and augmentations

2011-01-15T10:41:00.004Z

I have applied to university. That, I think, you all know.

I nearly didn't.

I went to uni a few years ago, but only completed 3 semesters. I had a major emotional collapse for many and varied reasons, but couldn't complete the course, didn't get the real support I needed to return and quit completely. It was, in short, a horrific experience.

And now I'm doing it all again. This time, however, I am not naively expecting everyone to be socially and politically aware. Or even intelligent. God forbid we waste education on the clever!

I put off applying, in fear and trepidation. What if I am rejected? OK, so I have put in insurance applications, just in case my first choice rejects me. What if something worse happens? What if they accept me and I fail all over again?

Right, Sam, pull your socks up, stop thinking negatively, you can and will do this, because this is the key to your future, you will be spending 3 years in a fantastic city in a historical building doing exactly what you love to do! How could it go wrong?

So the application went to my college tutor, who sent it back for corrections. Not the personal statement, apparently that was "so you", and was perfect in tone and expression. No some minor numerical details were needing adjusting.

At this point I could have completely chickened and 'just not got it done'. Failed by lack of time.

I made the corrections and sent it back. All that was needed now was a reference from my tutor.

It glowed, throbbing with bright fiery light that burned the eyes that looked upon it and the hands that held the flimsy copy, it was so good. I didn't recognise the person she was talking about. But at the same time, yes, that WAS me.

GULP!

I might actually get in!

Ah but I still have to submit my portfolio. It will all go horribly wrong with that. bluff can only get you so far, but then you have to come up with the goods.

Looking at my work over the past 2 1/2 years I begin to see that, maybe, I may just about be able to squeeze a half decent portfolio of work out of it. Plus I have been printing a series of plates based on one drawing specifically for my portfolio. Just to show what I am capable of. That I can work in lots of different ways. I have ideas. I have skill. I have technical knowledge. I may even have talent.

And here is the latest addition to the portfolio. I really rather like it.

The Book, Chapter 2

2011-01-11T19:50:00.002Z

First page completed of the next chapter in The Book.

The Joy of Technology

2011-01-10T21:56:00.002Z

I love technology. It can do so much for us. Look what I did with it.

One

Two

I've not really animated anything before. I always thought it was far too difficult and time consuming to do it. Plus I didn't think I had the drawing skills needed. Ha! Little did I know!

New Prints

2011-01-08T19:13:00.004Z

I've been running 2 projects concurrently. I've not really got the time to do it, but I do it nonetheless.

The 1st project was highlighted in my last post, and that is moving along nicely, I spent 5 hours today working on that one.

The 2nd project is a printing project. I'm putting a print portfolio together, to tout around universities and anywhere else that seems like a good idea at the time.

Here are some of the prints I have been making recently.

Dry point on acrylic plate.

Lino print onto preprinted waste paper.

Lino print with scrim resist onto cartridge paper.

Reductive lino print onto print above.

Reductive lino print.

Reductive lino print onto pre-inked cartridge paper.

The First Chapter

2011-01-03T01:59:00.004Z

I have finally finished the first chapter of my long altered book project, The Book.

The aim of the project is to retell the stories that are held in common between Judeo/Christian and Islamic stories from their holy books, most notably the Bible, but from other religious and spiritual perspectives.

So the first story is the creation story.

The one I chose to tell was that given to us by the Haida Native Americans. Look here for the full story.

Here are the illustrations. Please don't forget, however, that I am not an illustrator, and so I'll hope you are kind about the first book illustration project I have done.

Crows

2011-01-02T15:15:00.004Z

Everyone who knows me knows that I am almost obsessed with corvids. Crows, ravens, jackdaws, magpies and rooks. Love them and they appear in my work regularly.

I see them all over the place, greet them and have a good day when I see lots of them, but today is the best day ever for crows because on my way to the studio I saw one of the rarest sights corvid spotters ever see. A leucistic crow.

The image attached to here is a photo taken in July of the crow I saw today, by Pete Mella.

Leucism is caused by a reduction of the pigment in the skin, feathers and fur of the animals and differs from Albinism because pigment id present whereas in albinism the melanin pigments are not there at all.

To say I was amazed to see this bird is an understatement. I love to find wildlife in city settings, I love catching sight of urban foxes and hedgehogs and have always looked carefully for badgers and rabbits whenever I am driving on country roads at dusk, but to see such an unusual bird in a city setting has made me feel so blessed.

He looked fit and well fed, strong and so so alive in his surroundings.

To see such a rare creature this early in the year makes me feel positive for the year ahead and I hope his blessing stays with me and keeps him safe throughout the year.

The Closing of the Year

2010-12-28T16:01:00.002Z

I'm not normally one who ponders the changing of the year and the people who have come and gone through the year, but this year I seem to be feeling it.

This year has seen so many changes in my life.

I've gone from working full time, owning my own home, feeling secure and knowing what I want to do with my life through the whole gamut of losing almost everything.

I lost my home, first because in order to be safe from harassment and violence.

I lost my job because all of the stress involved with the harassment left me a nervous and emotional wreck.

i lost my security because I am always looking over my shoulder wondering if the people who had threatened me and my darling son were following me, had found me. I became paranoid and anxious, almost agoraphobic.

Now, because I had to change my plans, because I couldn't keep up the payments on my house, because all I had worked for and put money into was gone, I am facing the prospect of not being able to go to university to complete my degree. I've applied, but I have no idea how I will pay for it.

This is not to say I'm going to give up. I'm not the sort to just sit back and let the world walk all over me and not try to pick myself up and move on. I am more determined than ever to do what I planned to do. Finish my degree at Glasgow, to go on to do a Therapy MA and become an Art Therapist, helping people find comfort and growth in art, to use art and the creative process as a healing tool. If it works for me, it will work for anyone, because if there is one thing that this year really has taught me is that art is my saviour, my passion, my reason for being. Without it I would not have survived this year, and I certainly wouldn't be looking forward to all the positive things that are going to come my way next year.

2011 here i come, stronger, brighter and more powerful than ever before, because I have only one direction to go. UP!

Christmas Presents

2010-12-22T20:15:00.002Z

I am having a home made Christmas.

There are 2 good reasons for making everything yourself.

1. People really really like handmade stuff

2. I really don't like to waste money on presents that people simply don't want, need or appreciate.

Now its not that i don't like my friends and family, its that i don't like the commercialisation of the winter holidays, be they Chanukah, Diwali, Christmas or the Solstice.

To this end I am struggling to make presents for my loved ones.

Presently I am battling with a cross stitch pattern based on one of my paintings. The software is just not happy with the colours I have picked and is insisting on picking dull browns and greys instead of the vivid yellows and blues of the original painting. I'm now resorting to picking each colour and stitch individually.

Thankfully the other presents have been fairly straight forward.

So here is wishing you a very merry festive season, and a happy healthy and prosperous new year.

Personal Statement

2010-12-19T23:24:00.003Z

I am applying to university.

This involves filling out a very large form, making choices and decisions about where to go and what courses to take, and then completing personal statement.

Ah yes, the personal statement. 47 lines about why a university would be foolish enough to accept me. Lots of things to talk about, lots of things to say, easy on the jokes and try to be grammatically correct and spell everything in ENGLISH please. No special characters and try not to sound like an idiot.

Yeah, OK. Let me just ponder it for a while.

So I'm this really talented, only slightly bonkers artist who until 4 years ago hadn't done any drawing since the first week at secondary school. Really honestly I am, look I can make pretty pictures, weird pictures, textiles and books. I do great things with books, totally cool.

Perhaps that wasn't the right pitch.

What do I say and how do I say it?

Here's what I got so far.

I cannot imagine my life without art, despite it only having been part of my life for the past 4 years. I have crafted continually all my life, and for me art is an extension of what I learned and developed growing up in a crafting home. My life revolves around the creation of art and crafts, and I work constantly on new projects, challenging myself to try new techniques and media, and to keep working with media that I have found difficult. At the same time art is therapy for me, it has helped me deal with the challenges that life has presented me with over the years.

My hobbies revolve around my family, home and art, and I try to combine these hobbies together. I have 2 dogs and spend hours drawing and sketching them. I always have a sketch book with me and I love to sketch people and their dogs whenever I am out and about. Don’t let this love of dogs fool you into thinking my work is twee, whimsical or cute. Far from it. I have an eye for the unusual, difficult and painful. I like to see the rough edges, to look beyond the varnished image presented to the world, and many of my projects during the Foundation Degree have involved looking at the discomforting truth.

Over the past 4 years my confidence and skills have grown, and I have done more than I thought myself capable of. Consequently I want to do more, present myself with greater challenges and see how far I can go. Going to University is the next step in the great journey art can take me on.

Opinions? Please?

Good News, Excellent News

2010-12-10T23:33:00.002Z

I set up a website on a day when the weather was bad and I was snowed in, bored out of my brains and too chicken to drive my car in the snow.

It has already borne fruit, and I have finally sold my first piece of work! The day the website went live. I'm so happy to finally be able to describe myself as a professional artist.

That was the good news.

The excellent news is the offer of a small solo exhibition next year. Oh yes, solo, one person, all on my own, exhibition. Jumping up and down for joy and in amazement. Suddenly I feel like everything is coming together in my art life.

For now, thought, I have a mountain of work to get through and less time to do it in!

But at least I can call myself a professional now.

Don't forget to check out my website, link to the right.

Taking The Plunge

2010-12-02T13:27:00.002Z

I'm snowed in. I am totally stuck in the house, mainly because the car is out there, somewhere under the snow that has blessed us here in Sheffield, and because I can't walk a long way because of my dodgy back, and there is almost no public transport running. I am here, at home, alone, bored and pretty much climbing the walls with boredom.

As a release from the boredom, I decided to have a look at website deals. You know the kind, build your own from templates, basic ones that don't quite do what you want them to do but near enough for now.

So now I have a website.

It is a bit dull at the moment, but will improve as I get more confident and better at changing the things I want to change without having to pay more each month. It also includes a gallery and I can add a paypal button if I want, although I am happy just for people to email me if they want anything.

I feel really proud of myself for finally taking the plunge and getting it off the ground. It all adds to the concept of professional artist!

the link is at the side of the blog, called, appropriately enough My Website. Take a look, then let me know what I should add to make it better, more interesting and perhaps even something you'd look at regularly.

Its been a while

2010-11-20T12:33:00.003Z

I've not posted for a couple of weeks, which isn't really like me, I can always find something to moan on about for a few lines.

I was lucky enough to be invited down to Colchester to meet some very wonderful people and stay in a gorgeous cottage with friends, old and new.

I was taken repeatedly out of my comfort zone, into the town to shop, to an art gallery I'd never been to, to a kennels to meet loads of dogs, all of which I wanted to take home, and to cook real food to be enjoyed by real people. I had a chilled out, completely wonderful time.

I spent a morning taking photos of Sharon and her son Rowan, whose house we stayed at, and I am pleased to say I managed to get some really nice pictures. These will be posted later when Sharon has had chance to look at them.

Spending that time being chilled and being cared for made me realise how far from well I am, and how far I have to go to get better, but it also gave me a glimpse of what I used to be like, when I was well and how I will be again. It was good for me in all ways, healing, supportive and helping me look to future and know that I really do have one.

Thank you Sharon and Rowan for sharing your home and the rest of your family, Linda, Rick, Kelly and Tony for taking the time to meet me and inviting me to the dogs, and for eating the Sunday roast dinner. I promise there will be another bread and butter pudding next time I come over.

More ipod Pics

2010-11-08T23:47:00.005Z

This is the first life drawing attempt. The app I used is called brushes, and has layers like on Photoshop, but not the filters, so not as versatile, but certainly great for such a portable device.

This is the 2nd, where I enlarged the page as much as I could, but then went and lost a decent starting point, hence the odd positioning.

This is painting number 3. I used the layers to some effect, but wasn't sure I was actually drawing the model or playing and working from memory!

First iPod drawing

2010-11-07T01:25:00.001Z

Here is the first ipod drawing using Brushes, the app I downloaded tonight.

This is so cool.

If.....

2010-11-02T12:12:00.003Z

If you had your life again, what would you change?

If you were able to amend your history and make your life different would you?

If you could be well, overnight and have no illness, no depression, no problems or disabilities would you accept the cure?

If you could have a perfect life would you want it?

My answer to all of these is a resounding clear and definite NO!

Why?

Because my talent is a response to hardship, creativity is the way I have survived my life. Without it I would just be one of the 'normal people'.

Without art, without creativity, without the joy that this brings would I not be just as unhappy in the mainstream regular world, doing a normal job, paying a mortgage, having a husband, or wife, raising kids and going to Ibiza on out holidays every year.

Would not my soul die a little living the mundane life of the undamaged, the ordinary, the normal.

Yes my life is hard. It is a struggle on a daily basis with fear, depression, self harm and anxiety. But at the same time I deal with these fears by being creative. Painting, drawing, stitching and writing. The ideas are sometimes easy, but the execution is hard, a battle with the medium and the world. Other times the work comes out easily, and is a cathartic experience at times when I am not doing so well.

If getting well means losing my urge to create, I'll stay ill. It gives me a reason for my life. And without purpose what are we?

Development

2010-11-01T00:20:00.003Z

As I go to life drawing most weeks, I end up with huge numbers of drawings of people. I have always had ideas about what to do, but mostly have never quite known how to execute them or how to move things on.

I'm getting better at this as time and my course move on, but occasionally it is still a struggle.

The recent drawings I've done at life class are a case in point. They are interesting, strange and in some cases lovely, what do I do with them?

One of them in particular was ripe for development and so I chose to turn it into a lino cut and see what came of it. Here are some of the results.

So in order:

1. The original drawing

2. Print on to black origami paper

3. Print onto bleached and dyed tissue paper

4. The reverse of the tissue paper print

5. A greetings card made from the print.

I want to do some further work on this plate and the printing, adding some background texture and detail perhaps, and creating something multi layered. Possibly over printing and reduction printing. But whatever I choose to do, the initial prints are looking very promising even though I say so myself.

More Drawings

2010-10-30T18:06:00.004+01:00

Not much to say here are the no look one line drawing I did last week. I really like this technique and it feels good to work like this.

I tried to download more of these but my internet connection is playing up a bit. More later when I got home and have a reliable one!

Surprise Results

2010-10-28T21:30:00.004+01:00

Recently I have been trying a new way of looking and drawing. This started as many new ways of working do for me, with the idea that I was going to have a bad week at life drawing. This time, however, it was because I was helping to run it rather than having a bad weekend and being unsure of my ability to do anything.

Now on the weeks where I think I'm not gong to be able to focus or do anything worthwhile I generally try something new. In my twisted logic this is a GOOD IDEA. I'm not stressed that I must produce something really good, in fact I am relaxed and have no expectations of producing anything. And Hey Presto! I usually draw or paint something really exciting. The past couple of weeks have not disappointed.

The new idea I've been trying is drawing the model without looking at the paper. Keeping my eyes on the model tracing the lines and contours of her body or face and allowing my hand to follow that movement on the paper.

Not as easy as it sounds. The temptation to look is at times very difficult to resist and you don't always get a result that you like, but then sometimes you do, you get something quite lovely.

Here are some examples of what I did the first week, and I will post more when I've scanned them in.

Acts of Kindness

2010-10-27T19:03:00.002+01:00

Recently a friend of mine, someone who already has enough on her plate, chose to share something very important to her with me. She did this because she knows I am struggling with my health. She did this despite having a very difficult time of her own over the past couple of months. For her friendship and her care I am truly grateful. I am also glad that I have been able to offer her a shoulder and some small measure of support whenever I have been able.

This is what she gave me and although normally I am not someone who posts other people's writing without giving a full credit, I have no idea who wrote this, but it gave me comfort and I am thankful for it. I wanted to share it, because I know many of you would appreciate the words.

Just for Today

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will make my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do someone a good turn, and not get found out; if anyone hears of it, it will not count. I will do two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anyone but myself.

Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from 2 pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour to myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Thank you Pat, for everything you are and all that you encourage me to be.

CBT

2010-10-19T12:26:00.003+01:00

I had my 2nd CBT session today, my first with the new therapist. There has been a long time between 1 and 2, and a change in therapist.

I was anxious about it, I couldn't speak and I cried and snotted my way through the session.

What is most frustrating to me is that when I am not in these frightening, stressful and emotional situation, when I am feeling safe and secure I have a sense of myslef, my humour is there, my sense of the rediculous and my strength of character.

I feel like there are 2 people living in my mind at the moment. Me and the fearful cabbage.

I feel such an idiot, I berate myself for being afraid in everyday situations, and I hate myself for being pathetic. Then I try to go shopping and my heart is racing, my adrenalin is pumping and my stomach is doing backflips. I feel dizzy, shaky and nauseous. I want to run away, to get away from the scary place as soon as possible. Back home, or in the studio, at friends houses, or even in the print room at college, I am happy safe and calm. I am me.

I hate that I can only be me when no one else can see me.

Maybe I will accept that I have to give myself time to get better, but my expectations are that I want to be well NOW!

As ever I need to remind myself that Patience is a virtue, not a game of cards.

Links and spam

2010-10-16T10:15:00.003+01:00

Please note the person who keeps thanking me for sharing a link, but then informing me that it is down, please tell me WHICH link is down, and also and which post? I can't help if you don't give me information.

If you continue to leave the same message without providing the needed info, then I will assume you are spamming me and will delete ALL messages of this nature.

Thanks

Sam

Happiness

2010-10-15T14:43:00.003+01:00

Sometimes when I get into my studio I start work immediately, and those days are lost in productivity, ease of creation and satisfaction.

Other days, like today, I get here and proceed to play on the computer, download research for an essay that doesn't need to be handed in until May, update my facebook status, read twitter posts, update twitter, read blogs, tidy up, mess about filing things that I will get out again tomorrow, mix paint, throw it away because it simply isn't 'right'. Get the picture?

Ultimately, however, whether I am a having hit the ground running or a slow starter day, I know that I am happy here, even if the weather is getting cold and the heater is barely adequate to heat the 3ft in front of it let alone the rest of the studio. Never mind that I have to keep getting up and walking about to stop my knees and hips from seizing up, it is an excuse to have a little dance to Pink, Florence or Paloma.

Happiness is something elusive. I daren't relax into it, because each time I do I feel that it will somehow be stolen away from me. This is the depression talking I know, but I do feel afraid that if I am happy today tomorrow will be awful, for whatever, unpredictable, chaotic devastation reason.

So today I am happy in my studio. Tomorrow I hope for the same, but I never expect it 2 days running.

This is one of my happy days, chilling on the beach with Gaia, no shoes and my camera, last summer. A day out at the beach feels like it can cure almost anything.

Schadenfreude

2010-10-09T08:56:00.002+01:00

I'm not generally a person who delights in the misfortune of others. I am a nice person, who cares for people. Worries what will happen to people after misfortune. Presently I am not able to directly care for people because my health is, to be honest, appalling at present, but this does not stop me caring. When I am better I will be hands on, working for the good of others in a very real and physical sense. Caring for those who are ill, or unable and enjoying that caring. I used to do it and I will do it again.

The reason I am not able to do it now, the cause of what was effectively, a complete nervous breakdown, from which I will recover, I have no doubt, is a family who hounded me for 2 years. Father, mother, 2 kids and various hangers on living in the house opposite me.

I'm not going into details about what they did, they have been discussed elsewhere, and talking, writing or discussing them is difficult and painful. It is enough to say that it resulted in moving house, losing my job because my health wasn't robust enough to deal with it and spending my life ensuring I take my medication on time, which allows me to function in some way.

So back to the family across the road. I wasn't the only target for their abuse, far from it, they were quite generous in their abuse of the neighbours. I was targeted for special treatment because I wouldn't back down, I wouldn't ignore their antisocial behaviour and I challenged their abuse constantly. Maybe I set myself up for worse, but if we don't challenge this kind of behaviour, how do people who behave like that understand that it isn't acceptable?

Last year, the mum died. Of alcohol related disease. After this the abuse got worse. The kids, unable to express their feelings in any other way, took it out on everyone else. Dad continued to live the life that had killed his wife.

Yesterday I got a message from one of the neighbours still living there. The father of this family had died. My first response was not sympathy. It wasn't concern for the kids, both under 18 and needing guidance, support and care. It was relief, joy and immense satisfaction.

Am I a bad person?
All I wanted to do was celebrate, drink beer, dance, jump up and down on the spot.
I am a bad person.
I must be.
I was happy someone had died.

But at the same time the immense relief that he couldn't frighten me anymore, that the kids will be moved from this area and will, perhaps, learn how to be better people away from the influence of drug and alcohol addicted parents. Or maybe relief that yes, Karma does exist, sometimes takes it's time, but will always bring balance to the universe.

But still, I think I may be a bad person.

Essay

2010-10-05T23:03:00.011+01:00

Here it is,the finished, slaved over article.

Jenny Saville and Walter Sickert: Looking at the world through reality coloured glasses

Jenny Saville and Walter Sickert are separated by a century of painting tradition, but, to my eyes, both are equally able to look at, examine and reveal the reality of our society. In this revelation they force us to see beyond this discomforting image in front of us, but to create a narrative that gives the discomfort meaning and therefore emotional validity, which is missing from many of their contemporaries more socially acceptable works. For me the definition, the very purpose of art, is to create an emotional response. To fail in this delegates it to mere interior decoration. This accusation can never be levelled at Saville or Sickert. In fact throughout both of their respective careers, they have openly courted that emotional response.

Jenny Saville was born in Cambridge in 1970, to parents who were initially teachers, but who ascended the educational hierarchy to such a point that their careers created a peripatetic existence for the family, causing regular moves around the country, and putting Saville in 15 different schools. This inevitably placed Saville in the role of outsider, irrespective of her ability to assess the characters of her new school cohort. She watched and categorised the other children around her, developing the instincts to survive and assimilate in the new school. These instincts give her the ability to place herself in arenas which many other would find impossible to enter. In the operating theatre as the surgeons are recreating, augmenting or reducing breasts, meeting with transsexuals, pre-op, post transition or midway through their metamorphoses. These very subjects have fascinated Saville from a young age, “I like bodies in a state of transformation, whether through injury or surgery. Even as a child, if I was in the playground and I saw a girl fall and skin her knee, I would look at it and be fascinated.”

Walter Sickert was born in Munich in 1860, to a Danish-German father and an English mother. At the age of 10 he moved with his parents to England. His father Oswald, was a painter of some note and was invited to England by Ralph Nicholson Wornum, Keeper of the National Gallery during the Great Exhibition. As a result of his parentage, his mother was illegitimate, and his birth nationality, Sickert was to enjoy the status of outsider his whole life, although he often played with this role. At a dinner attended by Sickert and ‘several rather conventionally-minded young officers’ at the outset of WW1, Sickert was heard to declare “-And no-one could be more English than I am - born in Munich in 1860, of pure Danish descent!” It was this very otherness which gave him such a view of the world that was at odds with the aesthetic paradigm of his time. He published an essay in The Art News in May 1910 arguing that Idealism is an absurdity, citing John Singer Sargent’s work as “a form of flattery in which the sitters were beautified and rendered as glamorised and ideal versions , not of what they were, but of what they would have liked to be”. Art can only function when describing “gross material facts of bulk, shape and colour…..such are the conditions of the very existence of plastic art” “The more art is serious, the more will it tend to avoid the drawing room and stick to the kitchen. The plastic arts are the gross arts, dealing joyously with gross material facts. They call, in their servants, for a robust stomach and a great power of endurance, and while they will flourish in the scullery, or on the dunghill, they fade at a breath from the drawing room.”

Whenever Saville is compared to other artists, the first is always Lucien Freud, for obvious reasons, but she credits Willem De Kooning as her greatest influence especially his use of paint. “De Kooning is my main man, really, because he did just about everything you can do with paint.” Francis Bacon is also a major influence, with his use of paint to create a tension with the subject, that is less about representation of the form and more about creation of that form on the canvas. Sickert’s influences read like a who’s who of great painters. Some were his teachers - Whistler, Degas, and some his contemporaries, from the Camden Town group, Lucien Pissarro, Wyndham Lewis, and from the wider world, Van Gogh and Gaugin. However Sickert’s style was his own, developed as it did under Whistler’s tutelage and Degas’ mentorship.

Although both artists look at the discomforting truth, the truths they observe take different forms. This is, I suggest more to do with their historical perspective rather than personal places. Saville creates large scale nudes, in oils, initially exclusively of huge women, bloated, obese and white fleshed, as in the triptych Strategy (fig 1).

Fig 1

In recent years the subjects of her work have extended into pig carcasses, transsexuals, transvestites and victims of disease, injury or surgery. This can be seen as a maturing of her oeuvre rather than a search for new subjects. She is still painting the marginal within our society, only now she has a stronger, broader palette and a more mature style, where the subject and the process meet to create a tangible tension in the work that was not evident in her early work.
Sickert chose to look at the reality of everyday, working class lives, be they out in the Music Halls or in the bedrooms of women forced by domestic violence or poverty into prostitution. His nudes were “lower class women in cheap rooms”. He worked on a smaller scale, also in oils, but in a more impressionist way. His work did look at these subjects from skewed, distorted or unusual positions. In his musical hall paintings, he used mirrors to confuse the composition, as in Little Dot Hetherington at the Bedford Music Hall (fig 2) creating a tension in the viewer attempting to resolve the confusion, and forcing them to create a narrative to resolve the tension.

Fig 2

With his nudes, often a second, dressed figure was included, portrayed in a menacing stance over the always female, nude figure, for example, L’Affaire de Camden Town (fig 3) These relationships within the paintings again forced to viewer to create a narrative. But these narratives were uncomfortable for many, suggesting as they did domestic violence and forced sex.

Fig 3

Despite the apparent differences in their work, style and subject matter, what is clear is the connection they have in their obsession with the apparently uglier side of life. Saville has followed her fascination into the most uncomfortable places and with marginalised people to portray them not as specimens, but as real people, deserving of sympathy, empathy and a voice of their own. Her depictions of transsexual people, in Matrix (fig 4) and Passage (fig 5) are an investigation into the changing nature of gender and sexuality.

Fig 4

Fig 5

Of Passage, Saville states “That body couldn’t have existed 30 years ago. Its possible because of silicon implants”

Jenny Saville works almost exclusively from photographs, although when she does use a model she will use photography first. She will employ a model for 6 hours, shooting up to 10 rolls of film, all in close up and work from the photographs. This allows her the time to get to know the physical structure of the model. She then uses the photographs to rebuild the model on the canvas, building up in sections rather than working on the piece as a whole. Saville learned Photoshop to enable her to change the colour saturation of the photos. Using this technique is how she has extended her palette into reds, blues and greens over recent years, creating stronger, more striking works. In addition to using models she collects medical literature, images of war zones, bombed out buildings, disused buildings, medical photography and accident scene photographs. Although she doesn’t use them directly in her work, they inform it and add to the intellectual architecture.

As Saville’s work has matured, her confidence with the paint has grown, not only extending her subject matter and her palette, but also the in how the process of painting has equal, if not greater importance in her work. Up close with these massive works, one can believe they are masterpieces of abstraction, the paint is heavy in places, the directionality of the brush strokes and the swift changes and juxtapositions of the colours and tones are alive with an incredible energy not seen in contemporary figurative painting. But step back, get a view of the whole work and one is astounded by the precision of that paint, which only a minute ago was almost random in its application. There is not a mark out of place, not a section that doesn’t fit exactly where it should. The expression in the eyes and the texture of the skin are real, the image is a real person, massive, vulnerable and naked before us, even when we know this is a composite being, drawn originally from photographs of models and medical illustrations.By every definition Saville is a painterly painter, using abstract techniques with the paint but with figurative work.
To achieve this energy and precision, Saville makes paint swatches and test pieces, usually on newsprint, trying out ideas and sections of the painting, always finding something which she can add to the work to keep it fresh, and energetic, even though the paint is heavily impasto and added in layers in some areas of the painting. “I like thick paint. I think you’ve got the solidity of the body of the paint itself. But there are areas of flesh that aren’t thick. So using thick paint’s not appropriate. The feeling isn’t big lumps and bumps, you know. So sometimes I use thick paint, sometimes I use thinner paint,”

These combinations, the duality of her work, using the latest technology - Photoshop - and the ancient craft of painting, utilizing the human form, but laying the paint in the way an abstract painter would, working on a gigantic scale, but always keeping her subjects very human in their identity, even when they are composite beings, that one would expect to create an irreconcilable dichotomy within her work, but it doesn’t, it instead gives us the chance to bear witness to one of the most interesting and important painters of the 21st century, possibly of the last 200 years, one who has taken a traditional process and subject and made it not only ultra modern and shocking, but also beautiful, poignant and personal.
Sickert also used photography in his work, but later in his career, the most notable works being Miss Gwen Ffrangcon-Davies as Isabella of France (fig 6) and Miss Earhart’s Arrival (fig 7).

Fig 6

Fig 7

In his earlier career, initially under instruction of Whistler, Sickert worked in an almost abstract way with his preliminary sketches, “concentrating on the central part of the motif first of all and then to work outwards towards the edges of the paper.” Later Sickert would move entirely away from this, Whistler’s favoured ‘alla prima’ technique, feeling it reduced the images and subjects too far into over-simplification, “The obligation, or effort to cover entirely necessitated an excessive simplification of both subject and background …. shows itself in subordinating, in arranging, in digesting any and every complication …… mastery …… is avid of complications.” As Sickert moved to France in 1883, met and was mentored by Degas, so his style changed. He found Degas’ methodology more in tune with his own ideas and ideals, and was able to adopt and adapt it to create his own style of work. Spending time creating detailed sketches of his subjects, which he them worked from, using under painting and building layers of paint, making changes and corrections as he developed the paintings. During this time Sickert also began to experiment with his subject matter, clearly influenced by Degas’ concentration on café life, music hall and domestic subjects. The “painting of modern life”.

As Sickert painted more of modern life, he was drawn to the grim reality of that life, his paintings became darker, his interiors became oppressive his style of painting more impressionistic. His figures went from interior working class domesticity Ennui (fig 8) to vulnerable nudes, The Rose Shoe (fig 9) and women of suggested easy virtue, Two Women on a Sofa - Le Tose (fig 10) In this move towards the seamier, less acceptable part of society, Sickert’s work became more interesting, stronger and much more important. At the same time it became, and remains controversial.

Fig 8

Fig 9

Fig 10

In conclusion, I consider the connection between Sickert and Saville to be more than a matter of vaguely similar subjects, both looking at and illustrating the unpopular, ugly truth of the reality of marginalised people’s lives. Both are painters influenced by great artists, but not slaves to that influence, artists who have developed their own styles and techniques and have created a tension within their works that forces the observer to create narrative to resolve these tensions, but do not supply the narrative themselves. Sickert and Saville have challenged our view of the validity of subjects and in doing so have created works which have opened us to understanding, empathising and the humanising those society usually considered to be beneath us.

Good Morning

2010-10-04T11:17:00.000+01:00

These lovely, gorgeous, blue sky, chilly mornings make my heart sing. Crisping the leaves as they fall to the ground and sharpening the air with that first breath of winter.

Essays

2010-10-03T17:54:00.002+01:00

I used to be able to write essays. I was good at them. Nearly always ended up with marks in the 90% range.

So today, I am sitting, forcing myself to write an essay about 2 of my favourite artists, and I've managed 700 words of complete drivel. Oh dear.

I want to compare their styles, their subjects and their outsider status. Can't seem to make any sense of what I want to say. Can't find the references I carefully listed and I really don't know if my brain is up to all of this effort.

Oh well, cup of tea, a jam doughnut and some good music will keep me going. I have to have it done by friday at the latest. Its only taken me about 9 months so far!

Workspaces

2010-09-30T10:54:00.003+01:00

I finally got my new laptop set up how I like it at the studio. The keyboard had a strange upward curve on it which means that I keep accidentally pressing the caps lock button instead of the "a". I'll get used to it. I have uploaded all of my music and my pictures from my external hard drive and all I need to do now to keep me really happy is install Photoshop and get a graphics tablet and off I go!

I am supposed to be writing an essay, but I have lost all of the internet research I did initially, so I have to go through that again! Oh well, it won't take me that long, I have the plan and a very small rough draft.

I also have the presentation to work from, so that will make it even easier. Hopefully.

So in celebration of my intention to work, and my having access to all of my photos at home and studio, here is a selection of random pictures I have taken over the years.

Action, Inaction and Distraction

2010-09-29T15:47:00.002+01:00

I am so the worst person in the world for actually getting started on things. Today for instance. I had a brilliant morning at college. Three very good prints from a very nice etching I've been working on for 2 weeks. And I started a lino cut, drew it out ready to get it cut. Then lunch-time. Oh dear, sitting around staring into space instead of really cracking on with stuff.

Finally at the studio, meant to be doing my essay. On my new laptop. Which has internet access. Which is presently logged into Facebook!

Ok so how do I stop myself being distracted. The inaction is more often down to tiredness and at present there isn't much I can do about that. It will improve in it's own time, but the distractions! Argh! I need a computer here, so that I can research stuff when I am working, but I can't do any work if I keep playing on Facebook!

I did think that perhaps if I allowed myself 30 minutes when I first arrive and then a 15 break every couple of hours that this would help. But I need discipline. I just am not good at resisting the temptation to bunk off the work I should be doing and playing online.

Oh well. The prints are good, and the lino cut will be awesome.

Awake in the Middle of the Night

2010-09-17T03:03:00.002+01:00

Tonight I went to bed unfeasible early. This is not like me, generally I stay up til around 1am and wake up anywhere between 7 and 9 in the morning. But Wednesday night I slept really badly and so I went o bed early hoping to catch up on the sleep.

No chance, after 4 hours I was awake and unable to go back to sleep. It's now 3am, and I have a busy day today. What is worse, is it will be starting early too. I am tempted to go off to my studio and do the job that needs doing first thing. Which will save time later.

I know I won't go back to sleep, so I'm filling myself up with breakfast and a nice cuppa tea, ready to get on with what is going to be a somewhat stressful day.

Maybe I can alleviate some of that stress with art. Didn't get any done yesterday, so maybe I can do something today.

Planning

2010-09-13T10:28:00.002+01:00

Part of the problem with depression is feeling overwhelmed by everything. This is particularly bad when it comes to housework. I've never been happy to do it. It has always felt like a massive chore and very stressful. But I really hate that my house is a tip all the time. It blocks my energy and I never feel comfortable in my own home. So how to deal with it?

Well now the boy is back at college, I am going to do a job each day. Slowly but steadily getting the house into order. Make it a more workable and comfortable space. That is the plan.

The downside of this, however is my back and my energy levels. I can plan all I like, but I am dependent upon how I feel physically and mentally.

But I'm going to give it a go!

Things Made

2010-09-12T00:46:00.003+01:00

After yesterday I thought that I would be unproductive and too tired and emotional to focus on making anything, but as it turns out I created loads today, and had whole ideas about stuff and everything.

I have been playing with some fabric that I glued the cellophane squares you get wrapped around Quality Street to some time ago. I added a layer of tissue paper on the reverse a couple of days ago, and today I made a sort of a zipped box out of it.

Then I wanted to be able to put my DS games into the box, but didn't want them to rattle around inside, so I made a snug little holder for them.

Finally I started on the next Travelling Sketchbook page. More on that on the Artshine blog.

I also posted the previous page off to Annie, and posted the last of the eBay sales off.

After I had finished at the studio, I went over to Michelle's house, taking her blouse that I fixed the neckline of, and cooked her dinner ready for when she got home from work. In all a productive day of the old variety of Sam. Maybe this is a good sign!

Dreadful Day

2010-09-10T23:40:00.002+01:00

What a rubbish day.

Hospital appointment in the morning for my thyroid check up, and basically to be told I no longer needed to be seeing the consultant, thyroid is shrinking back to normal size and thyroxin levels are stable. Simple? ha ha not that easy. I waited for over and hour on chairs that were designed to extract confessions from suspected terrorists, asked if they had any idea how long I would be delayed, and was told nothing. I was so stressed and in pain by the time an hour had gone by I had a massive strop in the middle of the waiting room. Not good.

Then I had to go to the Job Centre for a pathways to work interview. Bearing in mind I am unable to work at the moment because of stress, depression PTSD and a slipped disc, I was wondering what kind of work they were going to suggest I do.

I hate going to the job centre, it is full of people, it is stressful to be around so many people I don't know and can't predict. I have panic attacks but I have to stay there otherwise I have my benefits taken away, which means I have no money, which also makes me panic and stressed. Vicious circle.

I do have to say the lovely Stephen at the job centre was very sympathetic, kind and helpful. Even suggesting other benefits I am entitled to. That's the kindest thing an official has done for me in a while. Thanks Stephen.

And then I had bad news about a friend of mine. The worst news, and I am lost in that feeling devastated, angry and sorry. I can't even go and visit her as the hospital is a busy unfamiliar place. I'm worried that I'll have a panic attack and upset her family. I'm worried I won't get to see her. I'm caught up in a whirl of fear. And I can't find a way out.

This is the reality of my life at the moment. Fear, regrets and frustration. I want to be better, and I know I can get better, but at the moment it's just not happening fast enough.

Just a Quick Message

2010-09-08T08:43:00.002+01:00

To the people who are anonymously asking me to post links, upload widgets and various other spamming messages and comments on my blog, please stop. Anonymous massages are deleted, I do not post random stuff on my blog just because someone has asked me to, and I don't look at links if I don't know their origin.

Stop wasting yours and my time.

Completion 2

2010-08-31T21:32:00.003+01:00

Finally finished the collage portrait of Janet and 2 more small collages just for fun.

Tomorrow I'm getting the travelling sketchbook pages out and getting them done! Woop woop!

Nearly There

2010-08-31T08:32:00.003+01:00

I've got another day's work on this and then its done. I sure hope it is accepted for the open exhibition I've done it for!

Completion

2010-08-29T21:42:00.002+01:00

Finished one.

One more to go.

Addition

2010-08-28T17:05:00.003+01:00

More collage and something I'm surprsed by.

And this has surprised me, as I wasn't sure if I could make collage work for portraiture.

Submission

2010-08-27T20:30:00.003+01:00

For the first time I am producing a piece of work specifically for an open exhibition. I'm nervous, I think I'm not doing something that is any good, and I'm worried I'll not get it finished in time.

Here are some progress pics.

I'll post more as it progresses and nears completion.

Sharing space

2010-08-24T19:26:00.003+01:00

I made an early start to the day today, in the studio by 8.30. Almost unheard of these days.

I was lucky to have visitors too, Michelle, Lea and Jamie, all of us playing with collage and creating some fabulous things with glue and tissue paper.

I came home by 6pm feeling shattered and ready to flop on the settee in front of the tv. But incredibly pleased with what I have achieved today.

One of the finished pages from the collage sketchbook.

There are more things to show, but I only took one photo today.

Surprising Day

2010-08-22T23:56:00.005+01:00

Yesterday, despite numerous attempts at going to the studio to do some work, I didn't do anything. I was exhausted, for numerous reasons, and only felt able to go to the studio, sit in a chair and stare at a wall.

Today is Sunday, so it's life drawing. I didn't really feel like going, but I went anyway. You never know, I thought. I might get one good picture out of it.

I can't make watercolour work for me, apparently. All previous attempts have been met with clear failure, muddy puddles of browns created from all the colours of the rainbow. I just wanted to make this clear, before you look at the pictures.

After life drawing I went to the studio and finished working on 2 collages and started another 2. Then I got distracted and started to organise my collage papers! Me and my need to file things!

Wanderings

2010-08-21T17:19:00.002+01:00

Have you ever just pressed the next blog button to see where it takes you? I did today and for some bizarre reason I've ended up on the Arsenal blog! Hmm.

I wanted to get some work done, but couldn't get focused. Maybe tomorrow.

Pretty Papers

2010-08-18T20:10:00.004+01:00

Yet more collage, and even more papers decorated. I am going to make a start on the final piece tomorrow, I think. I have to board in front of my desk ready to encourage me to get on with it tomorrow.

I've had a good day today and I think some of the papers are suitable for gluing onto fabric ready for stitching into. Artshine sketchbooks beware! They are the next thing to be done.

The only reason I'm doing the collage now is to meet a deadline for an exhibition, opening 3rd September.

Here are some papers and collages I've have done today.

Disappointment 2

2010-08-17T21:12:00.005+01:00

I put 3 pieces of work up for an open exhibition in Sheffield. The exhibition opened yesterday. Today I went to look at it.

I nearly cried. My work had been split up, and one of them was no where to be seen.

The exhibits were all higgledy piggledy, and only 2 of the artists had all their work together in one place. One artist has his work simply leaning up against a wall, and another has his on top of various radiators. One set of paintings has the labels masking taped to the actual pictures.

I don't expect everyone to like my work, or to want to see it, but I do expect an Arts Co-ordinator to know how to put an exhibition together so that it all hangs together well and that there is enough room for every one's work that has been accepted.

Now don't get me wrong, I know this isn't the RA Summer Exhibition. But it is an important one for artists in Sheffield, especially ones who are just starting out, dipping their toes in the exhibition waters, and are trying to build their confidence as artists. To treat their work in such a disorganised and amateurish way is abominable.

I do not think that I would be able to trust the Arts Co-ordinator at that gallery again. Not when I worked so hard to prepare my pieces for this exhibition. Not when the work was submitted well in advance of the closing date and no mention was made that only 2 of them would be displayed.

These are the works I submitted. Guess which one didn't make the cut?

Pure Pleasure

2010-08-15T20:39:00.005+01:00

I wanted to produce a piece of work just for fun, for no other reason than enjoying the idea and the process.

To this end I have been playing with collage. Here are some of the results.

Today I Smell of Dog

2010-08-13T21:25:00.003+01:00

Well actually every day I smell of dog, mainly because I have 2 of my own, but also because almost everyone I know has a dog, and I cannot, repeat, CANNOT, pass a dog without saying hello. Well, it would be rude!

But today has been very special, because today I got to meet Jill, who is my friend Michelle's very good, but very poorly friend. She has Jack the handsomest most beautiful - and doesn't he know it - Shiba Inu in the world, Looby Lou, a giddy girly Shiba and finally the 8 week old mini bull terrier puppy we were collecting to take to her new home in Ireland. I wish I was the one carrying her all the way there, because puppies really do cure depression!

She doesn't have a name of her own yet, so we loaned her one. And, as Michele has an adult mini bull called Willie, I thought the best name for the puppy was - sorry for being so obvious - Fannie!

Here she is. Cute or What? Oh and that's me holding the baby.

Thursday: Blocked In

2010-08-12T20:09:00.006+01:00

I had a brilliant day yesterday. Cleaned the studio up so well it sparkles.

Today wasn't so great, starting off as it did in a middle of the night wake up. Spent a good hour and a half trying to get back to sleep. Managed it eventually, but the disturbed night and reduced hours of sleep left me feeling rough all day.

Also I had a couple of errands to run that, to be frank, I had been putting off. Trip to old house for one of them. Never good. Always scary. Forever depressing.

After that I went to the studio, but decided after about half an hour that I wasn't going to accomplish anything, just sitting there staring out of the window at the grey clouds amassing over good old Sheffield. So, I'll go home I thought.

No chance. The guys at demon events were cleaning the quad bikes and various other exciting 2, 3 and 4 wheeled off road adventurous vehicles. Then loading them into about 50 large vans and lorries ready to be transported around the country to be covered in mud again ready for next weeks cleaning. Not a problem if I'd parked on the street, but, silly me, I'd utilised my parking space in the courtyard, and I was blocked in. All day.

I had to do something. So I spent the day working on creating interesting papers to collage with. I have a lot of tissue, mulberry, banana and other interesting papers that have been bleached, and are presently on the floor of my studio covered in brusho, slat and bleach.

Here are some of the bleached papers.

Busy Doing Nothing

2010-08-10T21:24:00.003+01:00

I feel like I've not done much today, even though I spent the entire day at the studio.

But what I have done is dyed my hair, prepped and strung 3 pictures for taking to be exhibited next week, finished putting all the stuff in my sketchbook, tidied it up and put all the additional material in a file ready to take in to college next week.

Then I finished 25 hand drawn cards and bagged them up for sale.

Tomorrow I'll be tidying the studio ready to play with collage and try something new. A whole month off from college stuff - except for the essay - and I'm going to enjoy playing.

By the way here's the cards, if you want one they are £3 each or 4 for £10, standard letter postage charges apply! Here endeth the plug!

Sunday: Day Off. Monday: Day Back On

2010-08-09T18:33:00.003+01:00

I wanted to blog yesterday, but then tiredness got in the way. Modelled for the life class in the morning, but was so wiped out by it by the time I got home I just went to bed for a nap.

In my defense, I had a late night on Saturday, and was up early on Sunday to model at life class. And modelling is harder than it looks!

So after a 5 hour nap, I got up and went to Michelle's for a while and had a great evening with her mum chatting and laughing about dogs. That was really good for me, to have someone I can talk to who understands what I've been through.

So I had Sunday off.

Today I had a better day. Finished prepping 2 of the pictures for the Open Exhibition and started on the 3rd. Then went to Janet's house for a sketching session with Janet as the model and Helen painting. I managed 3 drawings, only one of which is worth showing.

It's HB pencil in my new brown paper sketchbook.

I had planned on going back to the studio to begin playing with collage, but felt tired and needed to have a cuppa tea and something to eat.

When I got home I ate, had a cuppa, then started to tidy the living room up. It has been annoying me for ages and I finally had a tidy up. My friends would be so proud!

So here I am, its 7pm and I'm tired, ready to chill in front of the tv and the biggest loser. Oh dear, now that is a bit sad!

Saturday: False Start Day

2010-08-07T19:21:00.002+01:00

I got up fairly early. In a bit of a panic, because Josh didn't come home last night. I phoned him and he was fine.

So I didn't get to the studio until this afternoon, but I did go to a craft shop and bought some very nice mulberry paper to use in a collage. I have a yen for collage. Partly because of this, this, this and this. Partly because I'm not really very good at it. And considering how well I've done with painting, I thought I'd enjoy a new challenge.

I had a plan for today.

Finish framing the last piece I wanted to frame on this round of work. Finish making the cards for sale. Photograph a load of stuff to get it on eBay to help clear out the studio of some of the excess clutter. Start on a collage. Maybe even get to doing some encaustic.

So my Stanley knife ran out of blades. Trip to DIY shop. Didn't have the right ones. Trip to the next DIY shop.

Then I thought I may as well go and buy some papers for collage. So Meadowhell, in 3 shops, and the retail park, in 2 shops, then town, in 1 shop. Small collection of suitable collage papers.

Finished the framing. Looking very good. Finished the cards, I now have 25 hand made cards for sale. Looking very nice.

Sorted out the books, craft equipment and other things for sale. Took a few photos, but then the batteries ran out.

Then my batteries ran out.

Came home, had a shower and now I'm now in my pj's waiting for Michelle to come and have a movie night.

Tomorrow will be better.

Friday. That is all.

2010-08-06T18:03:00.004+01:00

I set myself the challenge of blogging everyday. Not sure if I have enough to say for myself to blog every day.

I could tell you my adventures in depression and Prozac land, but I'm pretty sure that will get boring within minutes.

I went to town today, 2nd day running, which felt good. Although being dragged to Meadowhell by Josh to buy "smart" clothes for his nights out was a bit awful. I started having a panic attack almost as soon as we got in there, but after the ASDA debacle the other day I was determined to get on with it. I clenched my fists and went to 4 shops. Then I got out quickly. Without the promised cup of tea. But I am getting an iPad for Christmas! Yay! It means I won't need to carry 3 different sketchbooks, a Filofax, a mobile phone, pens pencils, a reading book and a note book in my bag anymore. Plus games on the go! Yay! I'm am so excited I can't wait for Christmas!

Went to go and do some work at the studio, but was wiped by the trip to Meadowhell, so home I went, but I have eaten proper food with salad and everything and I'm about to have a cup of tea. So maybe my day wasn't so bad. Apart from the bad bits.

And just for fun, a picture of Josh on the beach with Gaspode the ninja dog.

OK Today

2010-08-05T21:06:00.002+01:00

Physio appointment today. Pain, discomfort and throbbing back pain afterwards. But, new exercises from the nice man which are easier, less painful and actually relieve the numbness in my foot.

This morning I managed to finish a couple of cards and framed a picture. After the physio appointment I went to town and visited the Millennium Gallery to look at the Water colours in Britain exhibition. Well worth a look if you are in and around Sheffield over the next month. I'm going to go again and take more time to look properly. Lots of Turner watercolours which as you all know really float my boat.

The later part of the day has consisted of me having my afternoon nap and then watching tv. I wish I could summon some energy in the evenings, but at the moment it all gets used up getting up and out of the house for a couple of hours. I'm feeling hopeful, I'm starting to feel human again and I even look forward to going out and doing stuff. Pretty soon I'll feel more like my old self. Maybe. Hopefully. Eventually.

Good day, better day.

2010-08-04T22:26:00.002+01:00

Today was better.

Finished the big canvas in a flash of inspiration.

Finished 5 hand drawn cards and prepped another 20 for drawing on tomorrow.

Prepped 2 boards and another large canvas for painting on later.

Felt the sunshine on my skin ans was warmed by it. I felt positive. I even thought about a job, but realised it is too soon to consider. But it wasn't something that filled me with panic and horror.

Still having naps in the afternoon, but not worrying that they leave me even more tired. Feeling like my sense of humour is coming back and that bad days will be further apart rather than the norm. I may be seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I hope it's not a lamp.

Good day, bad day

2010-08-03T20:48:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was a good. I finished 3 paintings, and made 3 cards. I spent good time at the studio and then went and had my hair cut and dyed. It feels really good and apparently looks very nice and not at all mum hair!

Today. Not so good.

Took me ages to get out of bed. My back and leg were really painful and I had a completely numb foot when I got up. But I was determined to get to the studio. Take my mind off it. Then i got a message from Michelle inviting me shopping with her and Sue. Ermm...not really sure.

So I got taken to ASDA with the promise of tea and cake and a trip into town to collect the boards for an open exhibition. I got into ASDA. Then I had to leave, shaking crying and feeling very scared. I was really annoyed at myself. What an idiot! Can't go in ASDA in the middle of the day!

I am really hating being ill. I want to be back to myself, fearless independent, strong and full of energy. Maybe all I need is the will to get well, but it is all so tiring and frightening and I just seem to want to be alone most of the time, painting, drawing and working quietly in my studio.

I find when I am out in public I am ok if I can find somewhere to sit with a cuppa and my sketchbook. It is a comfort to me. A was of removing myself from everyone and observing the people in the world without any chance of interaction. Maybe that's my new coping mechanism.

Playing With Paint

2010-07-30T10:16:00.003+01:00

Over the past couple of months I have been locked in a battle with paint. I believe I may now be winning!

It's all been about finding the technique that works with the way I draw, and my view of the world. The first two images are the development of a large painting, and the second two are small test paintings about 4 inches square each. I've used heavily thinned oil paint, using thinners, rather than white spirit.

Comments please. Ta. Love you!

Weekend Away

2010-07-28T10:13:00.004+01:00

I'm not well. For many reasons, I'm not well.

This has been going on most of my life. Sometimes I just want to be normal, to enjoy the simple things in life without worrying, panicking, stressing or needing to hide under a rock when it all just gets too much for me.

But then someone comes along and saves me, for a short time, from my illness. Makes me feel safe in a new place and with strangers all around, somewhere away from home where my safety zone is 2 hours away by car.

So this weekend I got taken away from it all, had a wonderful day in Whitby, bimbling around the town and feeling near normal for a short time. I slept in a tent on a faulty airbed for 2 nights. I drank beer, which made me immediately sleepy. I ate fish and chips and scrambled eggs and perfectly cooked vegetables and new potatoes. I drank tea. By the gallon. By the galleon! I was tea'd out.

I took photos. I sketched. I slept. I relaxed. I laughed. I snoozed. I met a hundred dogs and played with a particularly lovely Labrador and a shy but warmly enthusiastic collie. I chased a chicken, fed it a biscuit and offended it's ladylike sensibilities when I tried to stroke the fine golden brown feathers on her back. I watched doves canoodling and saw a baby dove shuffling to the edge of the nest to extrude green and white poo into the foliage below.

I marvelled at a shining sunset. I laughed hysterically but quietly at the couple connecting noisily 3 times in one night. I laughed even longer and louder when I saw them the next morning and realised they weren't teenagers. Who knew accountants could be so rampant?

I ignored the things that frightened me, put my head in my reading book and my sketchbook. I looked at the detail of the architecture and forgot about the strangeness of strangers.

I had a wonderful time and felt revived and exhausted by the new experiences I had in Whitby.

Thanks you Michelle for a wonderful weekend. Sorry I can't always tell you how I'm feeling.

Good day

2010-07-23T18:17:00.002+01:00

Today I feel as if I made some progress with painting, trying a new technique and starting a new big painting. I also bought a book on oil painting in the hope it may teach me something!

Portraits

2010-07-21T21:57:00.004+01:00

Although my latest college project is about the human form, I've recently been enjoying drawing portraits of my friends when they visit me at my studio.

Its a nervous time drawing friends, because you never know if they are going to be insulted or pleased by what I've drawn. But I do warn them all that I don't do flattery and it takes me a while to really capture someone and I need to keep drawing them over and over to get them right. Not sure if they believe me!

Life drawing 4

2010-07-19T00:30:00.002+01:00

Sometimes when I go life drawing I feel less than successful. And others I have a brilliant day.

Today was a good day.

Preparations

2010-07-16T09:42:00.005+01:00

Despite recent health difficulties I am doing my best to get a selection of my work ready for exhibition. To that end I trawled lots of 2nd hand and charity shops for reusable picture frames and have so far framed 7 pieces of work ready for hanging.

Here they are.

Flatness

2010-07-13T21:13:00.003+01:00

One of the side effects of the first few weeks of being on Prozac is the feeling of emotional flatness, the numbness that comes about 7-10 days in and stays for about 3-4 weeks. I'm now on day 11 and it arrived on Monday, knocked me off my feet and made me stay in bed pretty much all day yesterday.

I am tired but not sleepy, disinterested but bored, hungry but not bothered about food and I feel like crying but haven't the energy to create tears.

I really hate the detached feeling that I have and will continue to have for the next few weeks. The only thing that makes it even slightly bearable is knowing it is not permanent, that it will evaporate overnight in about 3 or 4 weeks. I'll just wake up and feel good, and it won't be fake feeling good, no brittleness, just happiness.

I've just finished making a cushion cover for my friend Pat to put in her Camper van. I love making things for friends, and feel like it makes a connection for me at times when I struggle to connect with people. It has given me the impetus to do more textiles, and I have a yen to create a quilt, a story of some kind, but as yet it is an unformed idea. I will post as and when it begins to form. To keep you all occupied, here's a pic of the cushion cover in process.

Disappointment

2010-07-07T21:20:00.002+01:00

Today I was upset. By someone I thought was a friend. But, as it turns out, isn't.

I'm not going to go into detail here, but suffice to say I am really offended that someone could repeat a lie told about me that they know isn't true and then accuse me of being a liar.

I have feelings and they are hurt. Consider me no longer your friend. Because you certainly aren't mine.

Finished!

2010-07-02T21:42:00.006+01:00

I have finally finished the Hands On painting. It has taken me about 8 weeks to do, and from the start I really wasn't sure what it was going to become.

I'm very happy to have finished this. I may do another version again at some point in the future, when I have more confidence with paint, but for now, I am happy.

On top of finishing this I have also been painting some smaller pieces, just to get a real feel for the paint. Here's the latest selection. Some are better than others, and I think that has more to do with the drawings they are from rather than the painting itself.

Moving up 3

2010-06-30T09:35:00.003+01:00

Well, good news and better but scary news.

The good news being my paintings are coming along and I'm starting to develop a style that I like, and is fairly interesting. I was never that bothered about photo realism, and I really like the colour palette I am using at them moment.

The better news is that the guy who runs the studios where I have mine is opening a gallery space and I have been offered space in the first exhibition. Scary bit is its the first week in August. Argh! I've got to select and prepare a whole load of work to go on a limited space in a new gallery.

OK deep breaths, calm down, relax. OK. Okay!

But then I've also got to select and prepare 3 works for the Annual Open at the Clocktower Gallery.

And get my studio ready for my open studio event at the end of August!

OK calming down now.

Loads of work to do and not a great deal of time to do it in. But its what I wanted to be doing, what I need to do to retain my health and my sense of me. Without this I think I would be unable to face the world. I am sounding a little dramatic here, but since starting on this journey into art I have felt more and more compelled to work at it, to create, to challenge myself in many different ways, ideas come thick and fast and I feel lost if I can't get to my studio to get some more work done. I do really feel unwell if I can't be making, doing, creating, drawing, painting, sewing, thinking, researching, fiddling and trying to do. Driven I am, driven to distraction, action and occasional tears.

But I also feel empowered, strong, talented, able and fantastic when I am working.

I just need to work out how to make a living at it!

Oh and the cakes are from a stall at pride and were incredibly yummy!

Moving up 2

2010-06-28T22:21:00.010+01:00

As you all know I have had a difficult couple of months, but I think I'm now coming out of the other side, still struggling with depression and a horrendously bad back at the mo. Anyway less of the complaining and on to the celebration.

This last weekend was pride weekend in Sheffield and I had the best time, took my trusty camera with me and found lots of photos worth taking. Here's a few for you to enjoy.

On top of that I've just had the most fantastic day in my studio today. I've been trying something new, after a bit of procrastination, and have had some success. The new thing for the next couple of weeks will be painting lots of small approximately A5 sized paintings, using oils and keeping to a strict palette of yellow ochre, sepia, burnt sienna and white. These are the first three of them. There will be many more.

Painting for my life

2010-06-22T18:12:00.002+01:00

The paintings are coming along, slowly, but I'm not sure I should be putting so much into one of them, it's not really shaping into anything but the ideas I have are fairly good and could become something interesting.

This project was about exploring the human form but is mutating into an exploration of ideas around the human form.

These are how the paintings are going right about now.

Comments, please?

Moving up

2010-06-17T16:44:00.007+01:00

It's been a while since I wrote a proper post.

I'm now in and working well in my studio. Things are happening, not quite going how I want them, painting is very hard and I'm really battling with it at the moment, but I'll keep at it, being the stubborn woman I am.

Here's how things are going.

This one is pretty much finished, although I may fiddle with it a bit more as I go along to correct my many mistakes.

This is a textile piece based on a life drawing using disperse dyes and layers of fabrics over stitching. It is doing exactly what I want it to do and is working beautifully. Why can't paint behave the same way?

This one is very much a work in progress, and hopefully will become the vision that is in my head eventually. If course, the way I have been going worth paint it'll never quite be finished and I'll just continually fiddle and revise until I ruin it or someone takes it away from me!

There are some others that I'm working on and a new one just begun, but not worth posting pictures yet.

As I go along I promise I'll get regular updates going.

Not well.

2010-06-11T09:22:00.001+01:00

I've been feeling unwell in a kind of flu-y way for 2 days. I've not got worse, or better. I want to get on with stuff, but I can't concentrate. I'm a little frustrated by this vague unwell feeling. Help!

Moving in.....

2010-06-09T00:35:00.004+01:00

Finally the studio is sorted into more than a semblance of order and for the past 2 days I have worked like a trooper on something that has nothing to do with college or other pressing projects, but loads to do with the pure pleasure of creation.

Here are some of the results. I created a lino cut from a sketch I did of my friend's English Bull Terrier, Willie, and then printed it lots of times using lots of different colour ways, with over printing, on and off register and later I moved on to fabric prints, which will be stitched later. I'll post these when they are done.
And here is one of the really good views of my studio, showing the large light bright windows, letting in fantastic light. I love my studio.

Moving on......2

2010-06-07T00:39:00.001+01:00

I have actually used my studio for producing some work!

That is all, more details and pics to follow.

Promise.

Post stress stressing

2010-06-01T13:39:00.001+01:00

I feel a bit stuck. The studio has space to work and the house is needing tidying. I have time. I have stuff to do. I have zero inclination. All I want to do is spend time in my room reading and being in a different world from this one. Perhaps I need the rest.

Getting settled

2010-05-24T14:02:00.002+01:00

Finally starting to see light at the end of the tunnel of moving, although I still don't have an email address and the house phone is still not working. But aside from that, I have a bedroom to myself, the studio has everything in it and just needs reorganising to become a real working space.

The cat disappeared for 2 weeks but is now back, very skinny and hungry but happy to be home. The dogs are settling well, although Gaia seems to be missing me because of all the long hours I'm doing.

I'm tired and I'm doing too many hours at work, but for the first time in ages I feel relaxed about being at home and being away from home. I'm not worried about what damage is going to be done to my car overnight, I'm happy to go out and come home without wondering about what may be waiting for me.

I want to say thank you for all the support and love that has been shown by my friends across the world over the past couple of months and without your support I'm not sure how I would have coped.

A big thank you to you all and loads of love, wishes granted and all dreams to come true.

Change of scenery

2010-04-24T19:18:00.002+01:00

Not sure how much anyone knows of what me and the boy have been through lately, but since my last posting the Dexters have moved house.

The new house is tiny, I lost my studio space and my entire world is in boxes. But the good news is a-coming.

I found a real studio, it's expensive, but perfect, high ceilings, windows on 2 sides, 24 hour access and an accessible water supply. I can fit everything in and run workshops there.

I now have a full time job, with the best possible shift pattern. I'll be working 2 days and then have 4 days off. Fabulous.

The house is still tiny, but now it feels less of a come down and a reduction in my life.

I had a few days where it all felt completely overwhelming, that I had lost everything, and I was never going to get back to where I was before. Sometimes I let go of the reality of a situation and let myself fall into the black hole. Only this time it wasn't much of a hole.

Back on track nearly. Soon to be a real artist with a real studio and perhaps a place where I can start to sell my work.

Well eventually.

Moving on.....

2010-03-31T00:31:00.002+01:00

That hardest part about moving is the realisation that no matter how you plot plan and imagine, there really isn't anywhere near enough room for all the stuff you have accrued to fit in the new house.

Some of it must go.

I don't want to get rid of anything.

I want to stay where I am.

I want to be safe.

I wouldn't mind being rich?

I want the bad people to go away and leave me alone for ever.

I want to go to bed.

You don't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes......you get what you need.

I need to be safe.

Annus Horribilis

2010-03-28T14:05:00.004+01:00

Times here at Dexter Towers are somewhat fraught. I will not really supply detail, I seem to be going over it enough without doing it again and boring everyone.

Things here are going to be horrible for a few weeks yet.

Then, the dark clouds will part, light will flow through the gap and things will be good again. I have no doubt.

It is the nature of the universe. Plus, despite my obvious shortfallings, I am an eternal, though depressed, optimist.

It is interesting to note that whenever I am having a really difficult time, I seem to get better as an artist. The stress seems to bring something out of me, perhaps it is the therapeutic value of creating something, focusing on something else other than my fears, owes and concerns. Anyway, in short, not to go for too long, I have had a very good week at life class. Here's the results.
Please comment. I like feedback especially on my life drawing. It takes me ages to re look at my work and decide if it is any good.

Travelling sketchbook

2010-03-17T22:09:00.003Z

Well I finally started on my page for the second of the travelling sketchbook project I have become involved with. I've got another 8 to do after this and three of them are sitting in my "to do" box.

I decided I wanted to use circles, mainly because this book is about colour and pattern, and because I've not played with the patterns you can get with circles since I was a kid.

The background fabric is synthetic satin, with concentric circles of fabric from my bits box. I should explain that I have spent 3 days sorting out my fabric into a more sensible storage method instead of cramming it into a chest of drawers and a wooden chest. It is now crammed into 16 storage boxes, sorted by colour pattern and natural/synthetic composition. I have kept all of my silk separate, and the leather is in a completely different place. 1 of the boxes is a bits and pieces box, where all the little bits which are useful for small details but not big enough for anything substantial are being collected together.

Here is the first stage.

I will be hand and possibly machine stitching over the top to create a layered composition with lots of pink and probably green to create a more organic pattern. Hopefully. Depending upon whether it works or not.

I will post regular reports and pics of the progress of this piece. This is to get me motivated to actually crack on with my main project. A bit of distraction therapy.

Preparation/procrastination

2010-03-12T14:10:00.002Z

Got up not too early with the intention of doing a days work in the studio. Tidied it up, moved some stuff around, dug out my old sewing machine - the new one is on loan to a friend in an equipment swap - cleaned it, stripped it down and serviced it, put it all back together, tested it's limits and ready to go for it now.

So how much of that was preparation and how much was procrastination?

Hmmm. Will ponder as I get the stuff out to sew with.

Eventually.

Bad Day

2010-03-05T17:49:00.002Z

Nothing good happening today.

Went to car this morning to go to college and rear windscreen had been smashed and the offending brick was sitting on the parcel shelf.

Then things got really out of hand with their living room windows getting smashed and them threatening to set fire to my car and my house after.

Police involvement all day, stress levels beyond through the roof and I'll probably have to move out of my house to be sure of my and my son's safety.

Just like to say that for the past nearly 2 years I have been subjected to daily insults from these "people". Every time I come out of my house, or my car, I am verbally abused by them. Eventually you just can't bite your tongue any more so you answer them back, and then damage gets done to your car or your house. Which is worse? And why don't the police do anything despite the constant complaints to them?

This is my car. Depressing isn't it?

OMG

2010-03-04T18:32:00.002Z

I don't often post links to music, it being such a personal thing and difficult to really give people an idea of what they will listen to, but today I feel I must bring this woman to everyone's attention.

Her name is Laura Marling and she is just wonderful.

Listen to her latest single here.

There's lots more of her music on youtube. Try her out. You honestly won't regret it.

I have to add that I am SO enjoying the recent new folk music. And now I sound really old.

The Human Form 2

2010-03-04T11:54:00.004Z

So painting is hard. I'm struggling, but I've borrowed some books from the library and I'm trying to read everything about painter's techniques and them put them into practice. It helps when I can see the paintings in the flesh.

Just that happened on Tuesday when I went to the Graves Gallery in old Sheffers town. I'd been peering at a Walter Sickert painting for hours trying to figure out how he'd painted it from the description of his technique and it just wasn't going in. Then I stumble in that very painting when I'd gone to see something completely different. Joy, happiness and wonderment as I actually got to be an inch away from the painting and got look really look at the brush strokes and how the underpainting was visible in places, the lightness and looseness of the top painting. Fantastic. I'm never going to assume local libraries and galleries don't have something worth seeing in the end.

This is the painting I was looking at. It's just astounding in real life. Its called the Soldiers of King Albert the Ready. Painted in 1914 by Walter Sickert.

This is my latest painting. I've clearly got a very long way to go. I'm gong to try some underpainting in the style of Walter Sickert. Eventually I will get it, it's just a matter of persevering and practicing other people's techniques.

Presentation and essay.

2010-02-25T12:15:00.002Z

Been trying very hard to make a start on the written work I have to complete, but struggling to get it underway.

Mainly it's probably because I've not written an essay in15 years. I've never written an art essay. I am a bit daunted. Where do I start?

I have loads of info now, lots of sources and interviews with my subject matter, Jenny Saville. I'll be comparing her with Walter Sickert. The shock of the subject, taking it away from the traditional subject matter using traditional techniques and paint to create expressions and images which contradict the prevailing view of the society in which we do and did live.

Ooh, I think I may have a start. Off I go!

Unproductive next day

2010-02-24T23:04:00.002Z

I tried to get up early to go to the library to make a start on the essay.

Just didn't get there. Had a bath and fell asleep on my bed for another 2 hours, cuddled up with my dogs and cats. My hair was completely dry by the time I woke up.

I did get to the library, but that was a less than good experience. Not enough books, none of which were available, the only ones that were available weren't much use and two boys decided to have a LOUD conversation at the table next to me.

Went to the public library, which was mercifully quiet and borrowed a couple of books, both immensely useful, and came home.

I visited my sick friend, who feels like a fraud because she is feeling very well despite not being as mobile as she would like. Came home and finished the felted piece I started yesterday. What do you think? I'm quietly pleased with my first ever embellished piece.

And now off to bed again, after a small snack.

Unproductive Day 4

2010-02-23T23:21:00.003Z

I believe that irony is now the colour of the day.

For an unproductive day I haven't done too bad!.

A collage and now a felt painting too. Not complete, but ticking along nicely.

Much more work to be done on this, especially as its a borrowed embellisher and I will probably have to give it sometime next week. I must have one of these. Soon!

Unproductive Day 3

2010-02-23T19:53:00.003Z

So the collage is finished. Not sure if I want to add some paint on top, or maybe some oil pastels.

I'm really pleased with how this has gone. I thought collage would take me days. I may start a bigger, more ambitious one and see how that goes.

Watch this space. But only if you don't have stuff to do, obviously.

Unproductive Day 2

2010-02-23T17:39:00.002Z

So the collage moves on fairly quickly. Here is the next pic with further progress. It's helpful to see it as a photo because I can analyse how it is working and then add extra layers to it without feeling too precious about it.

I'm really enjoying the process and will probably try another one later, on a much bigger scale with a much more complex form. See how I go.

Unproductive Day

2010-02-23T17:11:00.002Z

Today I have done little or nothing of note. I've been watching TV on the computer, catching up on programmes I missed because I was too busy getting attacked by a large group of youths with snowballs. Sounds funny, wasn't in the slightest. Especially when they opened my car doors and pelted me inside the car.

So I have managed to start a collage, and had a Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels moment when Josh doubted that I could paint on it. Very surreal. Had accents going and the lot.

So here it is so far, more pics to be posted as it progresses, or not as the cs may be. I seem to be starting a lot of things but not getting them finished at the mo. I think I'm not really sure how to finish them off. Plus they look halfway OK and I don't want to ruin them. Or they are really not very good and I can't raise the energy to finish them cos they're rubbish anyway. Confusion about my work abounds.

So today has been about chilling, sort of having a day off and resting my brain before cracking on again.

I think I may be in the realms of self justification of a lazy day. I must ponder.