Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Good day, bad day

Yesterday was a good. I finished 3 paintings, and made 3 cards. I spent good time at the studio and then went and had my hair cut and dyed. It feels really good and apparently looks very nice and not at all mum hair!

Today. Not so good.

Took me ages to get out of bed. My back and leg were really painful and I had a completely numb foot when I got up. But I was determined to get to the studio. Take my mind off it. Then i got a message from Michelle inviting me shopping with her and Sue. Ermm...not really sure.

So I got taken to ASDA with the promise of tea and cake and a trip into town to collect the boards for an open exhibition. I got into ASDA. Then I had to leave, shaking crying and feeling very scared. I was really annoyed at myself. What an idiot! Can't go in ASDA in the middle of the day!

I am really hating being ill. I want to be back to myself, fearless independent, strong and full of energy. Maybe all I need is the will to get well, but it is all so tiring and frightening and I just seem to want to be alone most of the time, painting, drawing and working quietly in my studio.

I find when I am out in public I am ok if I can find somewhere to sit with a cuppa and my sketchbook. It is a comfort to me. A was of removing myself from everyone and observing the people in the world without any chance of interaction. Maybe that's my new coping mechanism.


Anonymous said...

YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT!!!! You left the house got in the car and back out of it even when you saw how full asda was, some people can't even answer the door so stop being so hard on yourself

sukipoet said...

sorry you are in such distress. do you see a therapist? I myself feel like crying and rather shaky however I don't cry, just feel like it. You have recently been through a lot of stressful changes in your life. Takes time to rebalance and process these changes on the many levels they effect us. Hugs, suki

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT!!!!Some people can't get out the house but you did!! Stop giving yourself a hard time, you will get better, it just may be slower than you want.

The fearless threader said...

Thanks for the support and I'm assuming the anonymous posts are from Michelle, who tells me off daily. Yes Suki, I'm seeing a CBT counsellor and I hope it helps although I've only just started going. It all takes time and I know this but I am impatient with myself.