Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I had my 2nd CBT session today, my first with the new therapist. There has been a long time between 1 and 2, and a change in therapist.

I was anxious about it, I couldn't speak and I cried and snotted my way through the session.

What is most frustrating to me is that when I am not in these frightening, stressful and emotional situation, when I am feeling safe and secure I have a sense of myslef, my humour is there, my sense of the rediculous and my strength of character.

I feel like there are 2 people living in my mind at the moment. Me and the fearful cabbage.

I feel such an idiot, I berate myself for being afraid in everyday situations, and I hate myself for being pathetic. Then I try to go shopping and my heart is racing, my adrenalin is pumping and my stomach is doing backflips. I feel dizzy, shaky and nauseous. I want to run away, to get away from the scary place as soon as possible. Back home, or in the studio, at friends houses, or even in the print room at college, I am happy safe and calm. I am me.

I hate that I can only be me when no one else can see me.

Maybe I will accept that I have to give myself time to get better, but my expectations are that I want to be well NOW!

As ever I need to remind myself that Patience is a virtue, not a game of cards.

1 comment:

sukipoet said...

you describe your dual self well. for many years I felt awkward in the outer world, at home somewhat in my own space although my thoughts have tormented me at times. Now though, and I am not sure how it happened, I am greatly at ease in the outer world, chatty and friendly unless I am sensing some kind of age prejudice going on when I become slef conscious again.

you seem to be working hard on changing and perhaps accepting yourself just as you are right now. I know it sounds "new agey" but tell yourself you love you during the day. Look in the mirror and say "I love you." You are perfect just as you are.