Workspaces

I finally got my new laptop set up how I like it at the studio. The keyboard had a strange upward curve on it which means that I keep accidentally pressing the caps lock button instead of the "a". I'll get used to it. I have uploaded all of my music and my pictures from my external hard drive and all I need to do now to keep me really happy is install Photoshop and get a graphics tablet and off I go!

I am supposed to be writing an essay, but I have lost all of the internet research I did initially, so I have to go through that again! Oh well, it won't take me that long, I have the plan and a very small rough draft.

I also have the presentation to work from, so that will make it even easier. Hopefully.

So in celebration of my intention to work, and my having access to all of my photos at home and studio, here is a selection of random pictures I have taken over the years.

Action, Inaction and Distraction

I am so the worst person in the world for actually getting started on things. Today for instance. I had a brilliant morning at college. Three very good prints from a very nice etching I've been working on for 2 weeks. And I started a lino cut, drew it out ready to get it cut. Then lunch-time. Oh dear, sitting around staring into space instead of really cracking on with stuff.

Finally at the studio, meant to be doing my essay. On my new laptop. Which has internet access. Which is presently logged into Facebook!

Ok so how do I stop myself being distracted. The inaction is more often down to tiredness and at present there isn't much I can do about that. It will improve in it's own time, but the distractions! Argh! I need a computer here, so that I can research stuff when I am working, but I can't do any work if I keep playing on Facebook!

I did think that perhaps if I allowed myself 30 minutes when I first arrive and then a 15 break every couple of hours that this would help. But I need discipline. I just am not good at resisting the temptation to bunk off the work I should be doing and playing online.

Oh well. The prints are good, and the lino cut will be awesome.

Awake in the Middle of the Night

Tonight I went to bed unfeasible early. This is not like me, generally I stay up til around 1am and wake up anywhere between 7 and 9 in the morning. But Wednesday night I slept really badly and so I went o bed early hoping to catch up on the sleep.

No chance, after 4 hours I was awake and unable to go back to sleep. It's now 3am, and I have a busy day today. What is worse, is it will be starting early too. I am tempted to go off to my studio and do the job that needs doing first thing. Which will save time later.

I know I won't go back to sleep, so I'm filling myself up with breakfast and a nice cuppa tea, ready to get on with what is going to be a somewhat stressful day.

Maybe I can alleviate some of that stress with art. Didn't get any done yesterday, so maybe I can do something today.

Planning

Part of the problem with depression is feeling overwhelmed by everything. This is particularly bad when it comes to housework. I've never been happy to do it. It has always felt like a massive chore and very stressful. But I really hate that my house is a tip all the time. It blocks my energy and I never feel comfortable in my own home. So how to deal with it?

Well now the boy is back at college, I am going to do a job each day. Slowly but steadily getting the house into order. Make it a more workable and comfortable space. That is the plan.

The downside of this, however is my back and my energy levels. I can plan all I like, but I am dependent upon how I feel physically and mentally.

But I'm going to give it a go!

Things Made

After yesterday I thought that I would be unproductive and too tired and emotional to focus on making anything, but as it turns out I created loads today, and had whole ideas about stuff and everything.

I have been playing with some fabric that I glued the cellophane squares you get wrapped around Quality Street to some time ago. I added a layer of tissue paper on the reverse a couple of days ago, and today I made a sort of a zipped box out of it.



Then I wanted to be able to put my DS games into the box, but didn't want them to rattle around inside, so I made a snug little holder for them.



Finally I started on the next Travelling Sketchbook page. More on that on the Artshine blog.

I also posted the previous page off to Annie, and posted the last of the eBay sales off.

After I had finished at the studio, I went over to Michelle's house, taking her blouse that I fixed the neckline of, and cooked her dinner ready for when she got home from work. In all a productive day of the old variety of Sam. Maybe this is a good sign!

Dreadful Day

What a rubbish day.

Hospital appointment in the morning for my thyroid check up, and basically to be told I no longer needed to be seeing the consultant, thyroid is shrinking back to normal size and thyroxin levels are stable. Simple? ha ha not that easy. I waited for over and hour on chairs that were designed to extract confessions from suspected terrorists, asked if they had any idea how long I would be delayed, and was told nothing. I was so stressed and in pain by the time an hour had gone by I had a massive strop in the middle of the waiting room. Not good.

Then I had to go to the Job Centre for a pathways to work interview. Bearing in mind I am unable to work at the moment because of stress, depression PTSD and a slipped disc, I was wondering what kind of work they were going to suggest I do.

I hate going to the job centre, it is full of people, it is stressful to be around so many people I don't know and can't predict. I have panic attacks but I have to stay there otherwise I have my benefits taken away, which means I have no money, which also makes me panic and stressed. Vicious circle.

I do have to say the lovely Stephen at the job centre was very sympathetic, kind and helpful. Even suggesting other benefits I am entitled to. That's the kindest thing an official has done for me in a while. Thanks Stephen.

And then I had bad news about a friend of mine. The worst news, and I am lost in that feeling devastated, angry and sorry. I can't even go and visit her as the hospital is a busy unfamiliar place. I'm worried that I'll have a panic attack and upset her family. I'm worried I won't get to see her. I'm caught up in a whirl of fear. And I can't find a way out.

This is the reality of my life at the moment. Fear, regrets and frustration. I want to be better, and I know I can get better, but at the moment it's just not happening fast enough.

Just a Quick Message

To the people who are anonymously asking me to post links, upload widgets and various other spamming messages and comments on my blog, please stop. Anonymous massages are deleted, I do not post random stuff on my blog just because someone has asked me to, and I don't look at links if I don't know their origin.

Stop wasting yours and my time.