Friday. That is all.

I set myself the challenge of blogging everyday. Not sure if I have enough to say for myself to blog every day.

I could tell you my adventures in depression and Prozac land, but I'm pretty sure that will get boring within minutes.

I went to town today, 2nd day running, which felt good. Although being dragged to Meadowhell by Josh to buy "smart" clothes for his nights out was a bit awful. I started having a panic attack almost as soon as we got in there, but after the ASDA debacle the other day I was determined to get on with it. I clenched my fists and went to 4 shops. Then I got out quickly. Without the promised cup of tea. But I am getting an iPad for Christmas! Yay! It means I won't need to carry 3 different sketchbooks, a Filofax, a mobile phone, pens pencils, a reading book and a note book in my bag anymore. Plus games on the go! Yay! I'm am so excited I can't wait for Christmas!

Went to go and do some work at the studio, but was wiped by the trip to Meadowhell, so home I went, but I have eaten proper food with salad and everything and I'm about to have a cup of tea. So maybe my day wasn't so bad. Apart from the bad bits.

And just for fun, a picture of Josh on the beach with Gaspode the ninja dog.

OK Today

Physio appointment today. Pain, discomfort and throbbing back pain afterwards. But, new exercises from the nice man which are easier, less painful and actually relieve the numbness in my foot.

This morning I managed to finish a couple of cards and framed a picture. After the physio appointment I went to town and visited the Millennium Gallery to look at the Water colours in Britain exhibition. Well worth a look if you are in and around Sheffield over the next month. I'm going to go again and take more time to look properly. Lots of Turner watercolours which as you all know really float my boat.

The later part of the day has consisted of me having my afternoon nap and then watching tv. I wish I could summon some energy in the evenings, but at the moment it all gets used up getting up and out of the house for a couple of hours. I'm feeling hopeful, I'm starting to feel human again and I even look forward to going out and doing stuff. Pretty soon I'll feel more like my old self. Maybe. Hopefully. Eventually.

Good day, better day.

Today was better.

Finished the big canvas in a flash of inspiration.

Finished 5 hand drawn cards and prepped another 20 for drawing on tomorrow.

Prepped 2 boards and another large canvas for painting on later.

Felt the sunshine on my skin ans was warmed by it. I felt positive. I even thought about a job, but realised it is too soon to consider. But it wasn't something that filled me with panic and horror.

Still having naps in the afternoon, but not worrying that they leave me even more tired. Feeling like my sense of humour is coming back and that bad days will be further apart rather than the norm. I may be seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I hope it's not a lamp.

Good day, bad day

Yesterday was a good. I finished 3 paintings, and made 3 cards. I spent good time at the studio and then went and had my hair cut and dyed. It feels really good and apparently looks very nice and not at all mum hair!

Today. Not so good.

Took me ages to get out of bed. My back and leg were really painful and I had a completely numb foot when I got up. But I was determined to get to the studio. Take my mind off it. Then i got a message from Michelle inviting me shopping with her and Sue. Ermm...not really sure.

So I got taken to ASDA with the promise of tea and cake and a trip into town to collect the boards for an open exhibition. I got into ASDA. Then I had to leave, shaking crying and feeling very scared. I was really annoyed at myself. What an idiot! Can't go in ASDA in the middle of the day!

I am really hating being ill. I want to be back to myself, fearless independent, strong and full of energy. Maybe all I need is the will to get well, but it is all so tiring and frightening and I just seem to want to be alone most of the time, painting, drawing and working quietly in my studio.

I find when I am out in public I am ok if I can find somewhere to sit with a cuppa and my sketchbook. It is a comfort to me. A was of removing myself from everyone and observing the people in the world without any chance of interaction. Maybe that's my new coping mechanism.

Playing With Paint

Over the past couple of months I have been locked in a battle with paint. I believe I may now be winning!


It's all been about finding the technique that works with the way I draw, and my view of the world. The first two images are the development of a large painting, and the second two are small test paintings about 4 inches square each. I've used heavily thinned oil paint, using thinners, rather than white spirit.

Comments please. Ta. Love you!

Weekend Away

I'm not well. For many reasons, I'm not well.

This has been going on most of my life. Sometimes I just want to be normal, to enjoy the simple things in life without worrying, panicking, stressing or needing to hide under a rock when it all just gets too much for me.

But then someone comes along and saves me, for a short time, from my illness. Makes me feel safe in a new place and with strangers all around, somewhere away from home where my safety zone is 2 hours away by car.

So this weekend I got taken away from it all, had a wonderful day in Whitby, bimbling around the town and feeling near normal for a short time. I slept in a tent on a faulty airbed for 2 nights. I drank beer, which made me immediately sleepy. I ate fish and chips and scrambled eggs and perfectly cooked vegetables and new potatoes. I drank tea. By the gallon. By the galleon! I was tea'd out.

I took photos. I sketched. I slept. I relaxed. I laughed. I snoozed. I met a hundred dogs and played with a particularly lovely Labrador and a shy but warmly enthusiastic collie. I chased a chicken, fed it a biscuit and offended it's ladylike sensibilities when I tried to stroke the fine golden brown feathers on her back. I watched doves canoodling and saw a baby dove shuffling to the edge of the nest to extrude green and white poo into the foliage below.

I marvelled at a shining sunset. I laughed hysterically but quietly at the couple connecting noisily 3 times in one night. I laughed even longer and louder when I saw them the next morning and realised they weren't teenagers. Who knew accountants could be so rampant?

I ignored the things that frightened me, put my head in my reading book and my sketchbook. I looked at the detail of the architecture and forgot about the strangeness of strangers.

I had a wonderful time and felt revived and exhausted by the new experiences I had in Whitby.

Thanks you Michelle for a wonderful weekend. Sorry I can't always tell you how I'm feeling.

Good day

Today I feel as if I made some progress with painting, trying a new technique and starting a new big painting. I also bought a book on oil painting in the hope it may teach me something!

Portraits

Although my latest college project is about the human form, I've recently been enjoying drawing portraits of my friends when they visit me at my studio.

Its a nervous time drawing friends, because you never know if they are going to be insulted or pleased by what I've drawn. But I do warn them all that I don't do flattery and it takes me a while to really capture someone and I need to keep drawing them over and over to get them right. Not sure if they believe me!