Sunday, March 01, 2009

Hurry Up and Wait

Only one more night to do after this one, and still with no patients, no surgeries book and nothing to do, except the NVQ, which looms, looming like above my head. I did manage to get some of it done last night, but I think I want it to curl up under a rock and leave me alone for all eternity. That, however, won't get it done. I must....stop....procrastinating!

This week has felt a little dd in places, especially when I've known that someone wants to be pissed off at me for the stuff that has happened at work, but then they start warming to me again, because as we all know I am a loveable chunk of fun, and then they relax and finally remember that they are cross with me again. Funny moods all round. I think some of the wierdness has been because people were waitng for me to break down or go off sick because it's all too difficult for me to cope with. Nah, sorry, not happening.

It will get better here, and I'll settle back into the routine of work and early morning wakefulness, but for now I just need to relax and enjoy being here and geting into the job again.

The hardest part of this job is not the operations, or the loss of very poorly patients, but the sheer boredom of nothing to do. All the jobs for the week have been done and still we wait, like sentinels, for someone to need us. And when someone does need us, we ride in on our surgical green chargers and (try to) make them better. Sometimes we can't, which is never as distressing as my non-hospital friends think it is. When you know someone is probably not going to getbetter, you kind of want to stop the op before it starts, so they don't have to go through the pain and indignity of an unsuccessful op. Other times you want to do battle on their behalf, to fight the evil spirits causing their illness, the dragons creating their pain, but again, you can't, because that isn't how this world works. Shame really. Sam the pain slayer sounds like a great job. Pass me the sword and I'll battle to the death to prevent all the hurt touching you. Off I go on my little daydream quest again. Sorry. Must stick to reality more often, it would be less confusing for the people around me.

I want to get up early tomorrow so I can get to life drawing, but I know I'll not do it, the meds are getting in the way of my life now, instead of allowing me to have one. I will consult with GP about stopping. I've had enough of them now. I'm not used to sleeping for 10-12 hours at a time and still feeling tired when I get up. I't just not right. Roll on wellness. I wonder what that feels like? I digress, as is my way.

Off to find the dreaded NVQ folder. No I've not lost it, I just wish I had.