Laying Out 2

I've searched everywhere, but I don't have a picture of my mum.

At first I was upset as I didn't have a picture I could share with everyone, but thinking about it what is a picture but a vague and sometimes misleading representation of some one. It doesn't show who they really are and that is what counts.

Laying Out 1

Recently my mum was in hospital having collapsed at home and fractured her distal femur.

This turned out to be the least of her problems unfortunately and yesterday at 12.55 pm BST she passed away.

My mum was the bravest woman I know, but it took me seeing her die to realise this.

She knew she was not going to get better, as she had a severe pneumonia and aesophogeal disfunction which meant that fluid was going into her lungs every time she swallowed. And to top it off she kept having small heart attacks while not seriously life threatening, chipped away at her heart muscle.

Because she knew that she was going to die whether she was medicated or not, she chose to refuse the meds which would help prolong her life by no more than a few days but whch made her feel rubbish. She decided to face her death with her eyes open and with no fear.

This was on wednesday morning. I got a phone call from my sister on wednesday afternoon telling me this. I immediately made my way to Nottingham, which is abut 40 miles from Sheffield where I live. When I got there she was surrounded by family and friends and was the centre of attention. I got chance to talk to her quietly, just me and my mum later and I asked her if there was anything she needed. She was happy, comfortable and didn't want me to cry at her passing. I was happy to comply with this and told her how proud I was of her and how brave she was.

I then asked my mum if I could lay her out after she has passed and she was delighted to say yes. We talked about what she wanted to wear, that she wanted her glasses on and her teeth in.

Later as my mum ws sleeping I informed my oldest sister of my discussion with my mum and my sister became very angry, became abusive and told me I was disgusting.

This, as you can imagine, shocked me deeply. All I wanted to do was make my mum look pretty after she had died and she wanted the same, but my sister, and consequently the majority of the family thought this to be "perverse, deeply offensive and disgusting".

The strength of feeling this has raised in my family is unbelievable. I have been ostracised and accused of perversion and will not be attending my mothers funeral as a result.

What I cannnot understand is why something which was a family duty back in the days when people died at home, is now considered to be digusting and offensive. Is it because we are all so far removed from the end of lives that we cannot deal with the miracles that are life and death or are people simply afraid of their own mortality?

What a difference a day makes

Well what a rubbish but also a brilliant week I have had.

The dog is ok by the way. Happy as Larry without Curly and Moe.

My mum, however, is not so well and to be honest I am very worried about her. She is in hospital with a broken leg which can't be fixed yet because she is too ill to undergo anasthesia. She is on a High Dependancy Unit and is being fed through a nasal tube because she can't swallow properly.

At the same time, my relationship with my best friend has deepended (as it were) even further and I have turned into a serious horn dog who simly cannot get enough of her gorgeous body.

Now here is my quandary. I am upset and worried about my mum, but at the same time happy as a puppy with three tails due to the fantastic Jay. I feel bad that my mum is so ill, and will possibly not recover from this latest in a very long line of increasingly serious illnesses, but I feel bad that I have been feeling so good about this new aspect of a long and trusting relationship with Jay.

Should I feel bad about being happy? Or should I get out from my punishment room and just accept that life sometimes serves sweet and bitter on the same plate to enhance the flavours of each.

Tired

After taking Gaia to the vets then going shopping to ensure a steady supply of high calorie food for my ever growing 15 year old son, Josh, I was rsther tired, so Josh, the most wonderful son any mother could have, ran me a bubble bath and then took the photo of me with a big white affro. Oh and no I've not been drinking large amounts of alcohol. I'm working tomorrow and can't have more than one or I'm wrecked for the day.

This a picture of one of my dogs. Her name is Gaia and today she had to go to the vets as she was a little out of sorts. She managed to get chewing gum stuck to her tail on the bus on the way there and frightened the life out of an unwell cat when we got there.

On the way home we walked through the grounds of the local hospital and she was glad to get home especially as the vet had to do something unpleasant with a thermometer.

She is now back to her usual bouncy giddy self. Aaaah

I'll try to remember not to ramble on too much and to spell check my posts so that I don't come across as a looney. The photo at the top is me, sorry folks. This was taken at my last Halloween party, two years ago, where the theme was my favourite blonde. As you can see I am quite an unsuccessful blonde, not actually being blonde. This year's theme will be "Green".

I have just been made aware that the spell checker is American. I will not be complying with American English as I speak write and generally get drunk in English English. After all we did invent English and in another couple of hundred years American will be a separate language all of its own. Bit of politics, can't help myself. I will stop now as here in the UK it's past one in the morning and I have htread to abuse in the morning. Bye for now.

So here I am on the web writing my thoughts and wondering if the world even cares. Probably not, but at least I have somewhere to write them now.

I discovered lace recently. Not the fabric but the making of it, by hand. With thread and bobbins and I thought I'd have a go. I'm half way through making my first piece. I'm really proud that I am almost completely self taught in all things thready. Emroidry cross stitch etc. Fearless when it comes to crafts, though there are some I probably wouldn't try. Mainly cos they're too sad and lonley even for me.