The Grand Canyon

So here i am with a huge hole in my back that for a few days looked like it was going to stay as a suppurating wound forever, non healing and infected forever. But, finally I can lie down properly, which means the pain in my lower back and hips will subside. It is also itching like a freshly infected crab carrier.

Wanna see a picture? Here ya go then. Yes it was painful and I will be glad when it's all better.

I just had a sarnie while I was waiting for the picture to upload and had a cuddle with my pet Corn Snake, Rosie. She is such a cutie, but I disturbed her from her torpor, so she was a little disoriented and not happy to be handled. She usually wakes up around 8 to 9 pm, so I'll go and have a play with her then.

I've finally made some headway with the summer project, and I'm pulling my research together, found loads of stuff on JMW Turner, my favourite landscape painter by so many miles no-one else comes close to the feelings I have for him. Anyway I already waxed lyrical about him in my previous posting so I'll not bore everyone again.

I also managed to do a fairly ok sketch of a really beautiful sky I photographed on my phone a couple of weeks ago. Very pleasing. I may upload that to another post. I still haven't worked out how to get the picture inside the words, cos at the mo it always ends up at the top of the text and it doesn't make sense to have it there all the time. Ahh I think I just cracked it. Cool.

I'm having the occasional breakthrough these days, but not the kind I would prefer to have. Mostly to do with technology, not art. But soon, I will be able to draw and paint without having a crisis of belief in myself. Or maybe not. Parhaps it is not worth producign if it is easy to come by, and the struggle to create makes it a valuable act and not simply the recreational act of a bored talentless moron, who would be better off watching soaps and eating cake. Ooh cake. I may go to the shop and buy some. Or I may make one. Sounds cheaper and better. Need cream though. Or icing sugar. Bugger it all involves a trip to the shop. I may as well just go and buy a cake. But then I won't have made it how I like it and it'll be full of flavourings and additives to give it a shelf life. Oh the quandary.

I'm going to stop with the stream of dribble that comes from my head from time to time, or ok all the time. Work now, work, work, work!

Bye

Well the computer is now back, fixed and with a nice big hard drive, but of course I have to reload all of the software and everything, but it never goes smoothly does it? Oh no! Trying to get my email account to work properly and it won't send mail, but will pick up the new mail, so I may well have to ring technical support for some assistance, and eventually after three hours of talking to someone with an accent I can't understand, who has an imperfect understanding of the English vernacular, I may eventually get through to someone who knows what I want and can give me the 1 piece of information I have been trying to get for three hours! I HATE technical support! They always treat you as an idiot and ask the same stupid questions all the time. Have you tried switching it off and on again? Oh the ultimate solution to everything! Switch it off and on again! Of course that's the answer to everything!

Solution to the Middle East Crisis? Switch it off an on again!
World hunger? Off and on again.
Civil war in the Congo? Off and on again.

Sorry ranting now. And yes I am aware of the situation in the Congo and I'm not actually making light of the situation there, but I digress. Also I procrastinate.

Turner and Auerbach, my chosen subjects for my summer project, can I pull it off? And back on again.....oops sorry force of habit! Two fantastic landscape painters, Turner the father of abstract landscapes, Frank Auerbach, the damaged grandchild of the master. Mmmmm, I think I have the start of something there. The joy of living that Turner revelled in, with his travels, mistresses and general bigness of personality in a Brian Blessed kind of way (whenever I think of Turner I always have either Brian Blessed ot Leo McKern playing him!) and Frank Auerbach, displaced child of the Nazi pogroms, alone in the blitz ridden city of London, his world reduced over time to the bit of world that stretches from Mornington Crescent to Primrose Hill, his models his closest friends and almost nothing else to distract him from the purity of the forms and the feelings he wants to express on the canvas. His energy and vitality reserved for the heavy impasto on the canvas. Fabulous. Cool I may even be able to use some of that.

What has amazed me about Turner over the years, and I have to admit loving Turner from a very early age, is his ability to capture the light. I am beginning to understand how he does this, in his waterclours with the use of successive washes and scratching back, the precision of his finished paintings as opposed to the looseness of his watercolour sketches. He would fill 5 sketchbooks on a two week visit to his favourite places, and I was wondering how he did it, but now I understand how he managed. He would start with the loose, watery washes to create an impression of the landscape or more often the sea scape, and then would return to refine, define and create a more in depth painting, still working initially in watercolour all the time, until he was ready, had enough sketches and ideas to begin the work of the oil paintings. Although the various collections and bequests around the country, in Edinburgh and at the Clore Gallery all show the more refined watercolours, it is refreshing to me to find the initial sketches, in a copy of one sketchbook from 1845, showing his working technique and understanding the development of his ideas. I did have an epiphany with his composition at the new year when I went to Edinburgh, and kept notes of this, and now I am having the same kind of thought process while I am blogging. Great stuff! There is light and I can see it!

Now for an end to the chain of consciousness with reference to JMW Turner and back to ordinary life. Ah bugger it. That'll do for now.

Oh yeah the random picture is on the beach at Chapel St Leonards, I just thought it was an interesting image.

It feels like I am wading through treacle to actually get to my summer project and make a start on it. I've been busy getting my house ready for central heating being fitted, and turning the black hole at the back of the huse into a real kitchen. Finally got it together and done, but now I'm so tired by the whole business and still adjusting to the new shift patterns, that I can't seem to get into gear. HELP!

I will get to it and planning a week away in my favourite place, so I should be able to get some decent sketching and photography done before college starts again in september. Josh is going away for a few days in early september, so I may end up having a nice relaxing time without him, or as is usual, I'll go all maudlin and upset without him and feel rubbish and get nothing done.

Been playing crappy games on Facebook instead of tidying my studio up. But listening to fleetfoxes is good.

Just realised how random this is. May stop now. Here's a video for you to enjoy. It just about sums up how dull my life is. Enjoy.

One down, Two to go.

I finished college today until september, had my tutorial and got a really good result.


I was convinced when I first started this course that I was totally blagging my way in, that I would soon be discovered as a blagger and a fraud and would be kicked off for my cheek. But do you know what? I got 2 merits and 3 distinctions at the end of my first year. I surpassed all of my expectations and surprised myself by being able not only to have ideas but also to be able to draw. I have no idea where this ability has come from or whether it was hidden inside all along, but I am grateful for it. I had a really difficult end to the year last year and I really don't think I would be back at work now, fighting battles over shift patterns and about to start a new battle with the union rep, if it hadn't been for the focus the course has given me. I've met some lovely, talented people over the past nine months and I'm looking forward to spening the next two years with them.


To say I am proud of myself is a bit of an understatement. 3 years ago my mum died, leaving me with a gaping hole in my life where my family used to be, but are no longer. I need not go into details here, as this has been covered in previous posts, but it is enough to say I was disappointed to discover the depth of my family's ignorance and prejudice. Oh well you can pick your relatives, but at least you get to pick your nose! Then 2 years ago I suffered a very serious illness which left me debilitated and suffering long term problems with my health and memory. But I battled on! Oh good god this sounds way too much like one of those "Take a Break" magazine inspirational stories. I'll stop there.

Suffice to say, shit couple of years and now at the other end of it all I'm feeling really good about myself and my achievements. And they are MY achievements, no-one else has done any of this for me, no-one else has done my work, paid my bills, fed me and my son or gone to work for me. I put the work in, I take the credit. I wanted to make this very clear, before anyone does try to claim that without them I wouldn't have been able to feed my son or put shoes on his feet or had the life experiences I've had.

You see I am ambitious, I want to be able to live as an artist, to pay my bills and work as a full time artist. I know that I am going to do well because i am INCREDIBLY hungry for this. I'm not bothered about being famous, but I am bothered about doing the very best that I can, and if that means fame comes too, then bring it on, but don't anyone out there EVER claim that they helped me along the way, when quite the opposite is true. The people who really have supported and helped me along the way know who they are and am truly thankful of their friendship and support and would do anything for you all.

As the saying goes "Here's Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends!"

Love you all, mwah!

Hmm, decided that I need a new job, but doing what I've as yet no idea, but it will come to me in a vision probably, as I'm reading the jobs pages in the local paper.

Work is pants and art is even pantier as I have been taking up my usual activity of procrastinating like a professional. I need to get focussed. I decided to look up tridents and Uri Gellar in the hope that this would promote some inspiration, but...well.....no.

I have started to produce another printing plate for tomorrow, hopefully having two or three to work with. I think I need to run with this for a little while longer, and hopefully I will get it out of my system or find something that will give me a new direction to go. Or I could just give up on the cutlery and try something else? There's a thought. But I'm not a quitter, and I don't want to be defeated by simple flatware pressed from recycled something or other. The visit to the cutlery exhibition gave me a couple of ideas and it did give me a direction to move in, towards tridents and forked tongues, but not really sure where that will take me either, or if I'll even find anything when I get there. In the meantime I'm getting really good at Pipe Mania on the DS. So not all bad there. Maybe some history of cutlery may help. At least then I have something to write into my sketchbook. I'll ponder this proposition.

I went to Nottingham yesterday to see my cousin Michele on a surprise visit, and as I was about 2 miles from her house I went past a wool shop thta I used to go to when I was a kid. Now this shop was a total jumbled fire risk of a shop, with all the stock in a big pile in one corner of the shop and a tiny old lady ready to dive into it if you asked for something. Not changed at all, except the tiny old lady is tinier and older than I remembered, but I suppose that is only to be expected, because it is a good 25 years since I last went in there. But still an Aladin's cave of knitting patterns, yarn and Butterick sewing patterns. How cool is that? I love places like that, they are so wonderful at coming up with something obscure and ancient. I just wanted to spend money on there. Oh yeah and it must be the last place in the universe that still accepts cheques but doesn't do debit/credit cards. Even cooler. Cash prefered, yay! She had some wonderful yarns for knitting, but I don't really have the time to knit these days, but maybe in the summer I may get a week or two spare. I might get something together to take on my jollies with me.

I'm now trying to find a reasonably priced campsite in Cornwall that will take dogs and not charge the earth for them. Sorry I expect camping to be cheap and I'm NOT paying £25 per dog and a deposit of £25 per dog on top. No siree. But the search continues. I'll find something and it doesn't have to be near the beach cos we have a car!

Right on with the next bit now. Doing a lino cut for printing tomorrow, hopefull it will look ok. But you never know it may well be a pile of otherworldly pants dressed in printers ink.

Hurry Up and Wait

Only one more night to do after this one, and still with no patients, no surgeries book and nothing to do, except the NVQ, which looms, looming like above my head. I did manage to get some of it done last night, but I think I want it to curl up under a rock and leave me alone for all eternity. That, however, won't get it done. I must....stop....procrastinating!

This week has felt a little dd in places, especially when I've known that someone wants to be pissed off at me for the stuff that has happened at work, but then they start warming to me again, because as we all know I am a loveable chunk of fun, and then they relax and finally remember that they are cross with me again. Funny moods all round. I think some of the wierdness has been because people were waitng for me to break down or go off sick because it's all too difficult for me to cope with. Nah, sorry, not happening.

It will get better here, and I'll settle back into the routine of work and early morning wakefulness, but for now I just need to relax and enjoy being here and geting into the job again.

The hardest part of this job is not the operations, or the loss of very poorly patients, but the sheer boredom of nothing to do. All the jobs for the week have been done and still we wait, like sentinels, for someone to need us. And when someone does need us, we ride in on our surgical green chargers and (try to) make them better. Sometimes we can't, which is never as distressing as my non-hospital friends think it is. When you know someone is probably not going to getbetter, you kind of want to stop the op before it starts, so they don't have to go through the pain and indignity of an unsuccessful op. Other times you want to do battle on their behalf, to fight the evil spirits causing their illness, the dragons creating their pain, but again, you can't, because that isn't how this world works. Shame really. Sam the pain slayer sounds like a great job. Pass me the sword and I'll battle to the death to prevent all the hurt touching you. Off I go on my little daydream quest again. Sorry. Must stick to reality more often, it would be less confusing for the people around me.

I want to get up early tomorrow so I can get to life drawing, but I know I'll not do it, the meds are getting in the way of my life now, instead of allowing me to have one. I will consult with GP about stopping. I've had enough of them now. I'm not used to sleeping for 10-12 hours at a time and still feeling tired when I get up. I't just not right. Roll on wellness. I wonder what that feels like? I digress, as is my way.

Off to find the dreaded NVQ folder. No I've not lost it, I just wish I had.

Back at Work

Here i am finally back at work, feeling in part like I've never left, but at the same time awkward as I feel a little out of place here now.

Anyway, not going to feel sorry for myself, but I am going to look at the mound of Mandatory training updates I have to do and the huge pile of NVQ work that needs to be done and feel like crying. When, if, am I going to have my own life back? Hmmm ponder for a while and then let you all know.

Must go and eat my dinner now, it's half midnite and time for tea!

More another day.

Its' it's, well it's green.

Sorry have to do a Star Trek quote from time to time. If anyone can come up with the episode number for this one, well done, prozes on a postcard!

My leg, as you may have gathered is now a grotesque mess of purple and green splodges with swelling and dry skin. It looks really attractive, if you are a zombie looking for an undead girlie.

I'm trying to take my mind off the dull ache that has settled on my leg, using Ibuprofen and distraction techniques, but alas and alack, it's not really working. It didn't help that I was working over the weekend and trying to not over stress the poor little limb too much. Thankfully when we were busy I did at least get to do some running about which made it feel substantially better. Of course in order to keep my leg moving and thus educe the discomfort I have been forced to go to meadowhell repeatedly, and as we all know, one simply cannot resist New Look for the fat girl clothes. Went to H&M and what a very small pile of poo their selection is. New Look all the way for me dahlinks. Even Lily Allen shops there so it can't be all bad.

Wanted to go to Pizza Hut for tea last night after finally seeing Slumdog Millionare, but they'd run out of food. Of course they let us sit down, menu in hand looking at the greasy offerings, but to no avail, because they had no salad, or pizza bases left. So we went to Bella Italia on Centertainment. Fabulous. Calamari made from fresh squid and the lightest crispiest batter. Melted in my mouth. Delicious Linguine Gambari, with shell on prawns and fresh linguine. What more could you want. And a bunch of nuitters too, playing tricks on each other as they work. Great atmosphere and excellent food. Happy tum, happy mum. Josh had pizza and chips, boring bugger.

I really enjoyed Slumdog, a real feel good movie and not overly sentimental. I cannot be doing with excess sentimentality, makes my eyes leak and then Josh takes the mick. The reality of life as a poor orphan was not saccharined for the masses, it was told like it is. In all the horror of children being blinded and sold into sexual slavery.

Lees of the depressing stuff, work to do, work to do. I'm going to try some monoprints today, and see how I get on with those. The results I promise will be posted somewhere in my online world.