If.....

If you had your life again, what would you change?

If you were able to amend your history and make your life different would you?

If you could be well, overnight and have no illness, no depression, no problems or disabilities would you accept the cure?

If you could have a perfect life would you want it?

My answer to all of these is a resounding clear and definite NO!

Why?

Because my talent is a response to hardship, creativity is the way I have survived my life. Without it I would just be one of the 'normal people'.

Without art, without creativity, without the joy that this brings would I not be just as unhappy in the mainstream regular world, doing a normal job, paying a mortgage, having a husband, or wife, raising kids and going to Ibiza on out holidays every year.

Would not my soul die a little living the mundane life of the undamaged, the ordinary, the normal.

Yes my life is hard. It is a struggle on a daily basis with fear, depression, self harm and anxiety. But at the same time I deal with these fears by being creative. Painting, drawing, stitching and writing. The ideas are sometimes easy, but the execution is hard, a battle with the medium and the world. Other times the work comes out easily, and is a cathartic experience at times when I am not doing so well.

If getting well means losing my urge to create, I'll stay ill. It gives me a reason for my life. And without purpose what are we?

Development

As I go to life drawing most weeks, I end up with huge numbers of drawings of people. I have always had ideas about what to do, but mostly have never quite known how to execute them or how to move things on.

I'm getting better at this as time and my course move on, but occasionally it is still a struggle.

The recent drawings I've done at life class are a case in point. They are interesting, strange and in some cases lovely, what do I do with them?

One of them in particular was ripe for development and so I chose to turn it into a lino cut and see what came of it. Here are some of the results.

So in order:

1. The original drawing

2. Print on to black origami paper

3. Print onto bleached and dyed tissue paper

4. The reverse of the tissue paper print

5. A greetings card made from the print.

I want to do some further work on this plate and the printing, adding some background texture and detail perhaps, and creating something multi layered. Possibly over printing and reduction printing. But whatever I choose to do, the initial prints are looking very promising even though I say so myself.

More Drawings

Not much to say here are the no look one line drawing I did last week. I really like this technique and it feels good to work like this.

I tried to download more of these but my internet connection is playing up a bit. More later when I got home and have a reliable one!

Surprise Results

Recently I have been trying a new way of looking and drawing. This started as many new ways of working do for me, with the idea that I was going to have a bad week at life drawing. This time, however, it was because I was helping to run it rather than having a bad weekend and being unsure of my ability to do anything.

Now on the weeks where I think I'm not gong to be able to focus or do anything worthwhile I generally try something new. In my twisted logic this is a GOOD IDEA. I'm not stressed that I must produce something really good, in fact I am relaxed and have no expectations of producing anything. And Hey Presto! I usually draw or paint something really exciting. The past couple of weeks have not disappointed.

The new idea I've been trying is drawing the model without looking at the paper. Keeping my eyes on the model tracing the lines and contours of her body or face and allowing my hand to follow that movement on the paper.

Not as easy as it sounds. The temptation to look is at times very difficult to resist and you don't always get a result that you like, but then sometimes you do, you get something quite lovely.

Here are some examples of what I did the first week, and I will post more when I've scanned them in.

Acts of Kindness

Recently a friend of mine, someone who already has enough on her plate, chose to share something very important to her with me. She did this because she knows I am struggling with my health. She did this despite having a very difficult time of her own over the past couple of months. For her friendship and her care I am truly grateful. I am also glad that I have been able to offer her a shoulder and some small measure of support whenever I have been able.

This is what she gave me and although normally I am not someone who posts other people's writing without giving a full credit, I have no idea who wrote this, but it gave me comfort and I am thankful for it. I wanted to share it, because I know many of you would appreciate the words.

Just for Today

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will make my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do someone a good turn, and not get found out; if anyone hears of it, it will not count. I will do two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anyone but myself.

Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from 2 pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour to myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Thank you Pat, for everything you are and all that you encourage me to be.

CBT

I had my 2nd CBT session today, my first with the new therapist. There has been a long time between 1 and 2, and a change in therapist.

I was anxious about it, I couldn't speak and I cried and snotted my way through the session.

What is most frustrating to me is that when I am not in these frightening, stressful and emotional situation, when I am feeling safe and secure I have a sense of myslef, my humour is there, my sense of the rediculous and my strength of character.

I feel like there are 2 people living in my mind at the moment. Me and the fearful cabbage.

I feel such an idiot, I berate myself for being afraid in everyday situations, and I hate myself for being pathetic. Then I try to go shopping and my heart is racing, my adrenalin is pumping and my stomach is doing backflips. I feel dizzy, shaky and nauseous. I want to run away, to get away from the scary place as soon as possible. Back home, or in the studio, at friends houses, or even in the print room at college, I am happy safe and calm. I am me.

I hate that I can only be me when no one else can see me.

Maybe I will accept that I have to give myself time to get better, but my expectations are that I want to be well NOW!

As ever I need to remind myself that Patience is a virtue, not a game of cards.

Links and spam

Please note the person who keeps thanking me for sharing a link, but then informing me that it is down, please tell me WHICH link is down, and also and which post? I can't help if you don't give me information.

If you continue to leave the same message without providing the needed info, then I will assume you are spamming me and will delete ALL messages of this nature.

Thanks

Sam

Happiness

Sometimes when I get into my studio I start work immediately, and those days are lost in productivity, ease of creation and satisfaction.

Other days, like today, I get here and proceed to play on the computer, download research for an essay that doesn't need to be handed in until May, update my facebook status, read twitter posts, update twitter, read blogs, tidy up, mess about filing things that I will get out again tomorrow, mix paint, throw it away because it simply isn't 'right'. Get the picture?

Ultimately, however, whether I am a having hit the ground running or a slow starter day, I know that I am happy here, even if the weather is getting cold and the heater is barely adequate to heat the 3ft in front of it let alone the rest of the studio. Never mind that I have to keep getting up and walking about to stop my knees and hips from seizing up, it is an excuse to have a little dance to Pink, Florence or Paloma.

Happiness is something elusive. I daren't relax into it, because each time I do I feel that it will somehow be stolen away from me. This is the depression talking I know, but I do feel afraid that if I am happy today tomorrow will be awful, for whatever, unpredictable, chaotic devastation reason.

So today I am happy in my studio. Tomorrow I hope for the same, but I never expect it 2 days running.

This is one of my happy days, chilling on the beach with Gaia, no shoes and my camera, last summer. A day out at the beach feels like it can cure almost anything.